I’m back to square one with running again. Again. Again. I tried starting back a few weeks ago and ended up sick. Then I tried again about 10 days ago, and ended up aggravating an on-going foot issue. I was furious with myself, and the self flagellation/black and white thinking kicked in in earnest – I’ll never be able to run properly. Everyone can do this except me. I always give up………you get the idea.

Anyway, today something clicked. A couple of people in the SSASS jalking group are using couch to 5k/10k apps, and getting really good results from them, but for some reason, this has never seemed like a valid option to me. There are a couple of things at play there. Firstly, I cannot stand being a beginner, at anything. Secondly, and if I’m being really honest, I thought I was better than that. I thought I could just jump in the deep end, and succeed, without having to particularly try. I felt embarrassed at being seen doing the walk/jog combo – I’m either a runner, or I’m not (there’s that all or nothing thing again). I should point out that I can absolutely see the value of other people adopting this approach, but till today, was unable to apply it to myself. So I tried the baptism of fire, with a fairly challenging training programme, and surprising to probably no one but myself, it didn’t work out, and led to all of the horrible, horrible thought processes I outlined above.

But today, like I said, something clicked, and I decided to go and download a couch to 10k app. Initially I wanted to jump in at week 5 – surely I’m better than week 1?! Then I looked at it and pulled back to week 3. Then I finally, finally put my ego to one side, and this evening I went out and did week 1, day 1.

Funny story. Not only did I manage it, I enjoyed it. I brought the dogs with me to do away with the need for another walk later, and I just did it. I came back feeling absolutely fantastic. It wasn’t the longest run I’ve ever done, in fact, probably closer to one of the shortest. But it felt comfortable, and doable, and I didn’t have to shout at myself to keep going.

When I got back, the following conversation ensued between myself and Hubby:
Me: I swear, I got more endorphins out of that one little run than I have done out of any of the runs where I really had to push myself…..
Hubby: deep intake of breath……………..you’re a fucking plank. You got endorphins because you FORGAVE yourself.
Me: you may have a point………
Hubby: Write a post about that you fucking window licker

(Before I go any further, I just want to make something very clear – the above is not Hubby being shitty in the slightest!! We were both laughing through that conversation, and window licker is one of the many lovely terms we use to bring humour, however dark and offensive it may seem to some, into the often sorry mess we find ourselves in due to my mental health or lack thereof)

He’s right of course, utterly and completely. I fight with myself, constantly, and it’s something that came up with Therapist yesterday. Running, despite my best intentions, had become yet another stick to beat myself with, and I have more than enough already. I don’t know what was different about today, or why I was suddenly able to be that much more gentle with myself, but it felt really, really good. I wasn’t shouting at myself the entire time. I wasn’t wishing my way to the end. I wasn’t hurting my feet. I was allowing myself to admit that I’m not able to run, not yet, and I have to start at the beginning, just like everyone else.

I’m in flying form this evening, this time yesterday I was in the horrors. Such is life with bpd. The stressors of yesterday are very much still there, but this evening, I feel so much better for having given myself a break. That’s a win

This article has 2 Comments

  1. Good on ya. I love jogging for clearing the head. I even thought I'd come up with 'joggin' for the noggin' but alas, it's already gone! Discovered swimming and cycling lately as good alternatives, especially at my tender age, when the legs don't always appreciate the pavement pounding. But good for you. Enjoy it.

  2. I have to admit that I'm a bit like that too – don't want to have to start at the beginning and I've never enjoyed running / jogging. I used to enjoy aerobics but just don't have time to drive to a class now. Once the calving season is over, I have good intentions to start cycling again (which I do enjoy)!
    I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on #talkingsoc on Tuesday night.

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