Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I have such a ways to go. I’m just out of a session with Therapist, and went in so much on the defensive that it took me a full half hour to even look at her. I expected a bollocking, I think I wanted a bollocking for how I’ve been thinking, but it’s never going to happen, because as she said, that would validate what Bitchface has been saying (I have to throw in an interesting digression here – I’m writing this on my phone and my predictive just turned bitchface into nutcase. love it!!!) Anyway, Bitchface is having a bit of a field day at the moment, but it’s going to stop.
I find it incredibly hard to accept kindness, and I get it in spades from Therapist. Which is wonderful, but also causes problems in between sessions. You see I’ve come to rely on her as being my sole source of kindness, and so I desperately crave that in the in between time. But what I’m forgetting is she’s not the only one who’s kind to me. Hubby sat down and let me cry uncontrollably last night, and stayed with me throughout, because that’s what I needed. I have friends looking out for me. Family. The problem isn’t that I don’t have people who are kind to me, rather that I can’t accept it. There’s that word again.
I suppose what’s different as well is that in a session, the focus is all on me, and I don’t have to give anything back, which is why it works. If I knew Therapist in the real world our relationship would be very different – in all likelihood she’d be another friend that I’d hide from when things get bad. So that’s what I need to work on, still. Letting people in. Not beating myself up for feeling bad. Acceptance, of all that I am, good and bad. Of my situation. I know I’ve said all this before, chances are I’ll say it again. Because that’s how it goes with depression. I’m learning by increments, and I’m making progress, but every now and then I take a step back. When that happens I need to regroup, and sometimes I need help regrouping. Right now I definitely need help. And that’s ok.
And Hubby, just for you, here it is in writing, from your very own crazy window licker. You were right. Cherish this moment. It may never happen again!!!

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Ok, this is really shallow of me but I have to ask, Window Licker?! The only window licker I met was when we took my 3 year old niece to London, she licked the train windows and the pole you hang onto on the tube, yuck. At 17 I think she's stopped now.

    On a slightly less shallow note I tried to leave a comment on yesterdays post but was thwarted by technology (yet again). It was some dodgy mixed metaphor wishing the Force be with you whilst you ride the wave of anxiety to calmer waters ahead. Gosh, that sounds even worse than I remember, maybe Blogspot has some sophisticated software to eliminate trite comments. Fairplay to the software engineers!

    The point was to not just say "get well soon", which kind of misses the point on how rubbish you feel now, or some "you can do it" comment that I wouldn't find helpful when I was feeling like I couldn't do it, but rather to acknowledge you're having a rubbish time and sympathise without offering solutions. Oh and also trying not to sound like a mad stalker.

    1. You're nowhere near a mad stalker and have been so supportive, it's really lovely and much appreciated.
      As for window licker? Not entirely sure where it came from (will have to check with Hubby) but it's basically an entirely non PC euphemism for crazy folk such as myself 🙂

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