So here’s an interesting observation. Well maybe interesting is too strong a word, but it’s something I noticed yesterday that isn’t exactly awesome. Remember I was doing a fair bit of spinning over the summer and really enjoying it? But then about two weeks ago I tried a class that ended in a panic attack, tried one last week that was like a cruel and unusual form of torture as it followed on from a kettlebells class, and then last night…….well last night was pretty much just horrible. I stayed, I kept going, but my god was it tough. Every single fibre of my being wanted to stop, to leave, there was a constant loop running around my head saying ‘just stop. Stop the bike, and go home’.
But it was more than that. The endorphins never happened. It’s hard to get to the end of a spinning class and not come away with a few endorphins pumping around your system, but I managed it yesterday. I was listening to everyone else after the class talking at speed and generally feeling chuffed with themselves for surviving the session, but joining in was a real effort. I came home, and instead of hopping straight into the shower and then running around in a fit of endorphin induced efficiency, I retreated to the sofa and the fire with tea and toast with all the butter.
There are a few other less than awesome things. I cannot for the life of me focus on a book. I’ve picked up and started at least 3 now, but I can’t get into them. Today, I cancelled coffee with a friend because I knew I wouldn’t be able to chat. It’s frustrating. I know it’s not necessarily the start of a slip, it’s most likely just a bad day, but I don’t like it. There’s a familiarity to how I feel now that goes beyond just being in bad form. It’s the lethargy, extreme lack of wanting to do anything, and the eating. My god, the eating. Nothing good for me mind – today there was a pastry when I got to work, two bars of chocolate and a packet of crisps. I rarely eat crisps but they seemed essential to my very existence today.
I touched on all this with Therapist on Monday. I know what will help. I know what will happen if I don’t do it. I know however hard it is right now, it will be even harder if things keep going like this for even a few days, or worse, weeks. But when I put in the kind of effort I put in last night, and get nothing back? It really doesn’t seem worth my while and that makes it so much harder to find motivation.
So here’s what I’m wondering – is depression knocking at the door and messing up my chemistry again? Can it stop my body from producing endorphins, or create a strong enough counterbalance that I can’t feel them? I guess that’s a question for my psychiatrist whenever I see her again, but I have to admit it has me a little on edge. It’s feck all use knowing exactly what it is I need to do if I just do not have the wherewithal to do it.