I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve stepped over the edge onto that slippery slope and the way back up is getting harder and harder. I’m tearful, my stomach is churning, my mood is low. Tomorrow I start in another new office – I met the staff yesterday and tomorrow is my official first day. Again. I’m dreading it. There’s no talking myself out of the fear this time, like I’ve already said the last few weeks have knocked me and it’s going to take a supreme effort to get myself out the door tomorrow. Already I’m contemplating not going in, putting it off till next week. But what good will that do? Sooner or later I have to go back, and the further I push it out the harder it’s going to be. I have virtually no faith in my ability to do this, and I’m so disappointed in myself. Telling myself it will pass isn’t helping. I feel like all I do is wait for one thing or another to pass, so I can get on with my life. But every time something passes, something else pops up to take its place. So tonight I’m tired, and I can’t summon up the will or the energy to think it better for myself.

I’m so sorry for the incredibly crap, melancholy post. I want to write myself better, but maybe the best I can do is just write how I feel. Tomorrow is another day. I need to go to bed, get some sleep, and try and find the enthusiasm to walk through the door tomorrow with my head held high and a smile on my face. Wobbly brain chemicals are a bitch!!!!!!!

This article has 6 Comments

  1. I think the one thing we can let go of, embrace even, if that is not too much of a contradiction, is the notion that there is always another thing out there. Of course there is, and that is a wonderful thing. The day there isn't another thing out there means, well, it probably means we've either achieved supreme being status, or won the Lotto like some fecker in Sallins, or worse… we've reached the end and there genuinely is nothing left. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's how we view these 'things' each day. So, on a tiny scale, for example, I may curse the dog for getting under my feet in the morning as he follows me around. 'Til I realise he's just waiting for his breakfast, and then you think how great it is to have a wonderful old hound who loves you, and to be able to make breakfast, and sit down and contemplate the day. Bad stuff passes. And good stuff comes along. And yes, that is on a spin cycle sometimes and we're not sure when that particular programme will end. But it does. It passes.

    And just to offer the same support as the other posters; loads of love and goodwill heading your way. Generally speaking, those cheesy quotes tagged onto email accounts or profiles make me rather queasy. But one got through the defenses a while back, when I was a bit lost:
    "It'll be okay in the end,
    And if it's not okay, it's not the end"
    Yep, cheesy. But good cheesy!

  2. Thank you so much folks! All the good vibes are clearly getting through, I bounced out of bed this morning, managed to do some guided meditation in the car on the way in to settle the nerves (thanks Hubby for driving) and am feeling good now. Still reasonably nervous, but I don't think any more than the average person on starting a new job. You're right Declan, spin cycle is a really good metaphor, I may need to borrow it! And yes, cheesy, but agreed, good cheesy. I've seen that one before too 🙂

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