I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve stepped over the edge onto that slippery slope and the way back up is getting harder and harder. I’m tearful, my stomach is churning, my mood is low. Tomorrow I start in another new office – I met the staff yesterday and tomorrow is my official first day. Again. I’m dreading it. There’s no talking myself out of the fear this time, like I’ve already said the last few weeks have knocked me and it’s going to take a supreme effort to get myself out the door tomorrow. Already I’m contemplating not going in, putting it off till next week. But what good will that do? Sooner or later I have to go back, and the further I push it out the harder it’s going to be. I have virtually no faith in my ability to do this, and I’m so disappointed in myself. Telling myself it will pass isn’t helping. I feel like all I do is wait for one thing or another to pass, so I can get on with my life. But every time something passes, something else pops up to take its place. So tonight I’m tired, and I can’t summon up the will or the energy to think it better for myself.
I’m so sorry for the incredibly crap, melancholy post. I want to write myself better, but maybe the best I can do is just write how I feel. Tomorrow is another day. I need to go to bed, get some sleep, and try and find the enthusiasm to walk through the door tomorrow with my head held high and a smile on my face. Wobbly brain chemicals are a bitch!!!!!!!