Today I would quite like to give in. Given the choice, I would willingly check into the nuthouse so I can just hide from the world, properly, until this is over. I can’t begin to describe just how guilty I feel right now for all the stress I’m causing – for Hubby, for my family. They can tell me it’s not my fault till the cows come home, but that doesn’t lessen the guilt in the slightest and it doesn’t lessen their worry. The negative internal commentary telling me to cop myself on, I know so many people who have things so much harder is incredibly loud. I’ve had lots of lovely suggestions from people* as to how to take care of myself, but I have a remarkable gift for turning them around:

‘You have come so far …a million miles !! and you can do it ,just don’t be too hard on yourself if you snuggled up in front of fire with some comfort food and have a little snooze it may help .you must be exhausted x maybe a morning in bad is exactly what you need and deserve !!! Your a hard working mummy so be kind to yourself …. after all your worth it’ – sounds lovely. Absolutely lovely. But my reaction?? Hubby is tired too. He’s had to work all day and I’m just sitting around doing nothing, there is no reason at all for me to be feeling bad so get on with it.

‘Hope you get plenty of REST. It may seem ‘unproductive’ but it is probably the most productive thing many busy people can get.’ Nope. That’s just lazy.

‘just remember it only has to be good enough to relieve some of the pressure until you get a bit more of your brain back.’ Again, nope, I’m just not trying hard enough.

‘you seem to be pushing yourself to “must” all kind of things. how about just sitting in the black hole for a bit and looking around instead of trying to get without knowing exactly how deed the hole is? it’s not that deep, you can still see light right? sit back and observe for a bit before you start scrambling to get out again, dirty fingernails and all…’ there is nothing I’d like to do more. But for all of the above, I can’t

I should probably try and remember this. I’ll add it to the list.
I could continue but you probably get the message and to be honest I’m boring myself right now so would imagine I’m doing likewise for anyone who’s read this far. This, right now, is an unholy nightmare. It might be ‘just’ withdrawal, I know it will pass, eventually, but really??? I couldn’t give a flying fuck what it ‘just’ is, or that it will eventually pass. I feel like shit. End of.

*quotes are taken from comments left on facebook and the blog – if you see yourself here and would rather I didn’t quote you, please mail me at and I’ll take it down.

This article has 7 Comments

  1. Fiona, I'm beginning to feel like a stalker. I feel I seem to do nothing but agree with you. I can't tell you just how many times I feel like you're taking some of the jumble out of my head and compiling it perfectly on paper. I sooooooo get this piece. I totally understand the guilt, the tiredness everyone feels, the lazyness…… I know I'm not really saying anything to help you. I wish I could help you in the way your pieces capture how I feel and make me feel less alone (in my otherwise very happy home).
    For what it's worth, thank you x

  2. For what it's worth, thank you. It genuinely does help to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, although I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm glad you feel less alone too. We'll get there. Sooner or later we'll get there x

  3. Oh the hideous logic warping bendy mirror of brain illness. If anyone gives you easy top tips on how to stop that one please share! So, I guess it's kind of good that at least you're aware that you're doing this, but mainly it sounds utterly shit that you're in this place right now.
    It does kind of make writing encouraging comments feel a bit futile, but I'm going to work on the Amnesty Internation approach of flooding the jail with postcards in the hope that some get through and lift the spirits a little even if they don't get you out.
    Hmm, where to start. Your GP is pretty great and supportive and someone you respect and they have signed you off sick, so try and bow down to their superior training& experience and admit that there might just be a little something wrong with you. Plus, you are withdrawing from drugs that are not easy to stop taking without the help of the Priory or any other flash celebrity retreat, just yourself, your family & friends and a rather shakey public phsychiatry service . And you still have kids to contend with, even if others are helping, if I know kids they're not exactly going to be leaving you alone. Speaking of which one of mine has just padded down with unspecific poorlyness, so I'll go and tuck her back in with a cuddle. But honestly, if you were up to doing normal stuff you'd be at work, and you're not at work as your not up to it, so cross it off your to do list.

  4. I don't know if you keep up with me on facebook too, but the comments help hugely, honestly.
    Also, I am actually listening to advice, honestly – kids and Hubby are taking off for the weekend (I was able to ask them to do that!) and I'm trying hard to just keep calm, keep quiet, and do what I know will help.
    Mostly thank you for still reading through all this chaos, and for the amnesty efforts. Hugely appreciated x

  5. I found out about you through fb – we have a mutual friend, but won't comment there as it's too public. Heaven forbid I should actually let anyone know that I have a problem, what good could come of that, much better to bottle it up and struggle along alone right?
    Weekend without kids sounds calmer, weekend without hubby would worry me, I need human interaction and cuddles. Hope you have some friends to come round and give you former. Guess you have dogs for latter.
    Good luck coping with your nut job flu and managing to do some of the things you clearly know will help (yoga, rest, eat well, write etc)

    1. If you found me through fb, maybe your mutual friend is there for the same reason?? Just throwing it out there………
      On Friday, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was speak to anyone, and I had pretty much decided I was going to hole up for the weekend and ignore the world. Thankfully I know some pretty amazing people who just didn't let that happen. I've had lovely company, I've been fed, and I've managed self care as well. It was 110% what I needed x

    2. Actually I think my friend might actually know you in person, but you never know.
      It wouldn't make much difference as I am rubbish at telling people though. Sum total of people who know – my husband (can't hide it their), my gp, and an old friend who doesn't live local that I'm only in touch with via fb who I gave a link to the blog (can't remember why/how now. A while back my next door neighbour told me she was attending CBT course having been referred to her doctor as she was suffering from anxiety – amazing opportunity to confess and have an ally and support each other. I was so surprised I bottled it and didn't say anything.

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