Today is tough and I don’t know why. Hubby came home yesterday which was great, so good to have him back and the kids were happy out. But today, I’m all over the place. I’m tired, that’s never a good start. I’m jumpy. The old familiar knot is back in the pit of my stomach. I haven’t taken my medication yet today, although initially this wasn’t deliberate – I was trying to herd the kids downstairs so Hubby could have a lie in and simply forgot. But then when I realised I hadn’t taken it, I chose not to. Why?? Why am I deliberately doing something that I know is so detrimental for me? When I have a headache, I take paracetamol. If I get an infection, I’ll take an antibiotic. I don’t want to fall back into the bubble. Yet somewhere in my mind today, this makes sense. I know I’m on thin ice at the moment, it’s as if part of me consciously wants to slip all over again.
So now the work is going to be in making myself realise that if I don’t take my medication, that’s me doing the exact opposite of taking care of myself. In fact, I’ll be actively hurting myself. That’s not fair on me, but it’s also really, really not fair on Hubby and the kids. I’ve just found my way back to sanity, they’re just getting used to having a fully functioning wife and Mam in the house again. Why on earth would I want to jeopardise that? I enjoy when I’m well, everything is so much easier. My head isn’t such a hellish place to be. You seriously would not believe how much I’m having to wrestle with Bitchface right now. But now I’ve told you. Which means I have a responsibility to do the right thing and go and take that medication before I change my mind again…………………Ok, done. I can’t let this get the better of me again. Not now. Not when I’ve worked so bloody hard.