Second post of the day. Please feel free not to read it, but my mind is racing and I’ve got to try and do something to make it better. Since I last wrote, the day has pretty much been a lost cause. I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed, and fell asleep for the best part of two hours. When I eventually got up it was after 3, and it took me almost another hour to make myself some lunch. Another half hour of prevaricating after that I took the dogs out for a walk in the hope that that would help. It didn’t. They haven’t been getting enough exercise lately, were wired, and spend most of the time pulling my arms out of my sockets. I came home to find that the housework fairy is on strike today and my house looks like a bomb hit. And that’s pretty much it, I’ve spent most of the rest of my time since then contemplating the fact that I need to get up and straighten this place out, but being completely unable to do so.

I cannot tell you how frustrated I am right now. I hate wasting my time, I absolutely hate it. And yet somehow, today, it’s almost 6pm and I’ve nothing to show for the day. The beds aren’t even made. There are piles of washing at various stages of processing all through the house. Both dogs are shedding, there’s hair everywhere. As for the bathrooms? Enough said. I can’t talk myself into doing anything, and I can appreciate how ridiculous that must seem to any of you reading this who’ve never gotten into a hole as horrible and unforgiving as this, but genuinely, I might as well be trying to get myself to run a marathon right now.

Except I have a laptop in front of me (Credit: Allie Brosh)

I can’t find me. I remember times when I had energy, when I was focused, when I could look at a mess and know what steps I needed to take to clear it up. When I was motivated to look after myself. When I was actually a relatively nice person to be around. Today, I’m mostly just glad Hubby and the kids aren’t here to bear the brunt of this. Today is an almost exact repeat of last Sunday, just minus the audience. How much longer do we have to put up with this? How much longer to I have to be a shadow over my house and a source of stress and anxiety for my family? And most of all, how much longer till I can start living again? I’m already dreading next weekend when all four of us are here again.

I’m sorry to be so doom and gloom today, I really am. But for all of you who think that I’m brave, or strong, or courageous or anything else worthy, this is my reality. I’m not a nice person to live with. Spin it any way you like, I’m someone it’s far easier to support from a distance than up close. I hope Hubby and the kids are properly spoiled and looked after the next few days, they need a break from all of this as much as I do. I hope tomorrow is better.

This article has 16 Comments

  1. Can so relate to a lot of what your saying in this and in previous post. In particular the guilt/fear of how this depression has had an effect on those around me and the regret that i've let them down,even though i know that there's no going back into the past to undo things (therapist keeps repeating this to me and i agree,but i guess as is with the nature of guilt i find this hard and have to keep reminding myself).Also a sadness just thinking i wish i tackled it or done something sooner. Some days when i'm not in the mood to anything i'm trying really hard to just tell myself just to take things easy- easier said than done!!
    Sometimes i recognise that the negative voice is bound to have its say now and then and that i really have to work to keep this at bay. Remember theres lots of people here for you – No matter what mood your in.

    1. Thanks Alan. Guilt and regret are so unhelpful, but so hard to keep under control at times, especially when it's because we've in some way upset those closest to us. I think we're both incredibly lucky in our respective partners!

  2. Remember that you don't have to try to run a marathon. Just start with one thing, one very small thing. Maybe it's to take a shower. Or load the dishwasher. Or brush your teeth. One thing. To look at the whole picture is too overwhelming. I'm sure in your eyes, you see failure everywhere around you…but right now you need to pick only one thing to do.

    Also, Bitchface needs to go on a trip somewhere. I'd suggest that you pack her off to Kildare with your husband and kids, but maybe that's not kind to them? So think of a place where you'd like her to go, and send her on her way. 🙂

    And the best thing about tomorrow? It won't be today. 🙂

  3. Dear Bitchface,

    Gosh, it looks terrible doesn't it, there's mess everywhere and you can't get Fiona off the sofa no matter how much you shout at her and you feel powerless and scared. Have a big hug from me. Try and understand that Fiona has an official Bad Case of NutJob Flu and is exhausted from just turning up at work 5 days a week in that condition and is not in a fit state to do much. Reset your priorities to emergency code red mode, make sure all life forms are fed, watered and taking care of their personal hygeine. I'm sorry I can't give you a holiday to another head for a week motivating an olympic athelete or anything, you're kind of stuck with Fiona. She will need you to get to work tomorrow. Maybe you can persuade her outside again later? If it's any help lots of people are trying their best to help Fiona, you know who they are, but none of them have a magic wand and it's going to take time.

    Dear Fiona

    I could be wrong but sounds like you have a bad case of dead fish. You feel horrible. There's nothing much that can be done. I don't really have any suggestions to help, sorry about that, but I hear you. Just try and remember that feeling horrible and being horrible are not the same thing.

    1. Thank you for such a wonderful comment 🙂 I particularly like the thought of Bitchface heading off to motivate an olympic athlete for a week, that would be so nice. Maybe she could just stay there??
      Yes, there was a pretty rotten case of nutjob flu/dead fish going on, but a few days of peace and quiet has really helped. I even managed to get out of my bubble and call into a friend yesterday AND today. It helped. I also saw therapist yesterday which helped. I'm getting there. Hugs to you, and thank you x

  4. Hey, I just want to say that I follow you on FB and here after seeing you on Ireland AM.
    I am not diagnosed with depression, but I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and that leaves me with very down days although I try to keep positive.

    The disease has robbed me of a lot of things and there is a kind of grieving for my old life.
    I don't pretend to know how you feel but can relate to a lot of what you say. I am on high dose anti depressants for the pain but find after a few months of being on them that I am not the snappy bitchy pain in the face I was turning into. Which makes me think that I was mildly depressed before. I had counselling 3 yrs ago when I felt that I was losing control a bit, and it helped me.
    But then I was diagnosed with the Fibromyalgia which can go hand in hand with depression.

    My Mother suffered with severe depression, I think maybe she was bi polar back in the days when it was called (suffering with your nerves). She never really got the proper help she should have and as a result of that our relationship was ruined. She had no psych help or therapy, just a bunch of pills thrown at her and upped when things got worse.

    She also didn't have family help and as a result of that her relationship with my Dad also suffered too.

    I think you ARE very brave,and don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. If my mother could have done what you are doing and talked and planned like you and your husband, then life with her would have been very different.

    I am now approaching 50 and have a wonderful supporting husband, three amazing children, all adults now,and a grandchild. Things can get better for you and your family and they will just give it time.

    Sharing on FB and having this blog is also helping many others. Read today that you are up and about. I am still on the sofa at 4.15pm on a sunny day, so I will now get dressed and join my husband walking our dogs.

    You inspire me and today for the first time I felt compelled to post.

    1. Thank you so much. I read this comment a few days ago and was lost for words, it really lifted me.
      I think in relation to the kids it's more that I'm sad for me at all the time I'm missing than worried for them – they've been spoilt rotten the last few days by two sets of grandparents, and as far as they're concerned, the only reason I'm not there is that there was no one else to mind the dogs. All is well in their world. It gives me so much hope that you think what we're doing and how we're handling this is helpful, especially in relation to them. It doesn't change the guilt I feel, not right now, but hopefully some day it will.
      Did you get out for your walk??!
      Thank you so much for taking the time to post
      x

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