It’s been four whole days since I finished with Therapist. On the whole I’ve done quite well – I’ve made it into work, managed to function, got myself home again, been ok with the kids and kept up my yoga/walking. But every now and then the sense of loss is utterly overwhelming and I miss her so much it takes my breath away. Tuesday I cried the entire drive home, Wednesday I was ok. Yesterday? No crying, but my mood took a nosedive in the afternoon that nothing could shift. I went for an epic walk with the dogs……….
………came home, got the kids settled, did some yoga, played with photos………..but I still felt horrible. I think I needed to cry, but I couldn’t. Managed to resolve that one nicely today. I was half way through the joy that is the weekly food shop when I realised I could barely breathe, and once back in the car it was a matter of minutes before the tears came. They weren’t polite, gentle little tears either. They were the free flowing ones that go along with great, gulpy, snotty, ugly crying* Not a good look. Do I feel better for it? I’m not sure. I found myself thinking of all the times I sat in the room with her, tongue tied, unable to look at or speak to her, and felt such regret for having let those moments slip by. But then I had to remind myself that that in itself was part of the process, and ultimately part of the reason that we are where we are now. So instead I tried to think of what we talked of during our last session, and how it made me feel. I’m terrified that my unbelievably bad memory will lose all of that.
I haven’t done a whole lot of reading about the grief process, but I suspect this is all bang on the money. I probably should go and find out more about it, it might help me understand a little better, or at least cope with the waves when they hit. I was talking to Hubby earlier, he reminded me again of how important routine is going to be to get me through, and to keep me well long term. I hate routine. Hate it. I always function better when I’m being good, but after a few days or a few weeks, will eventually come to resent needing to be so disciplined and will be tempted to fuck it all out the window in favour of a bottle of wine and netflix, every night. Anyone with an ounce of sense can see just how quickly that would mess me up, would mess anyone up, but my god is the temptation strong. It’s even more important right now, when I’m trying to manage myself through something so disruptive. I need to get myself to bed early. I need to eat right. I have got to keep up my yoga (thank you to the very kind readers who wouldn’t let me skip last night’s practice). I can’t let myself get withdrawn, and as far as possible, I need to avoid getting over tired. The wheels fall off so quickly when I’m tired.
I guess the timing for all this discipline is good. The kids are back to school the week after next, and I’ll hopefully be increasing to full time working hours soon, so quite apart from any mental health needs, there’ll be no room during the week to be anything other than disciplined.
I know I’ll get there. I know the world won’t stop turning. But my god, I miss her. I don’t want to let myself feel it, but I have to. By increments is probably the safest bet.
*best definition I’ve ever seen of an ugly cry courtesy of urban dictionary:
A type of crying that can feel really good and really bad at the same time. The ugly cry can occur after a severe tragedy in one’s life, or simply for no reason at all. You know you’re doing the ugly cry when you lose COMPLETE CONTROL of all of the muscles in your face, start heaving and making awkward sounds (even though you are trying really hard to be silent), and start leaking fluids from every opening on your face from your hairline to your chin (yes, this includes the mouth). Without a doubt, by the time you are through with your ugly cry episode (if it was genuine) it will look as though you are a homeless person with pink eye who got punched a few times in the face and was hit my a monsoon; this is completely normal (and generally the time to call up a good friend).