I knew there was a chance this would happen. I had hoped with the slow taper it wouldn’t. Yet here I am, listening to my eyeballs move (yes, really) and crying because I looked at a photo of my beautiful kids, when M was about 9 months old and D was 3, and I’m so incredibly, overwhelmingly sad at how much time I lost with them, time I can never get back, how much I wasn’t able to enjoy because my brain is wired arseways. I know that all the regret and all the tears in the world won’t change that, but right now, that’s how I feel, and it sucks. I want to go upstairs, hold onto to them both and never let go. I know this will pass, but christ, it’s bloody tough going.

This article has 11 Comments

  1. I can empathise a ridiculous amount. Cry and cry some more if it lets your emotions out, at least you can cry which is preferable to being numb I guess? Your children love you unconditionaly just remember that.

    Right now i'm awaiting for the phone to ring to confirm a bed for my first admission to hospital and I am bloody well scared out of my life, but for some reason, I just can't cry right now. My beautiful ds sleeps soundly and all I want is to hold him and tell him how sorry I am for being so sad and not giving him the best mum that he so deserves.

    You're doing so great and you are genuinely an inspiration to me. I hope some day I can be as open as you are.

    1. Thank you so much. I'm both relieved and sad that you can empathise – relieved for me that you can understand, but sad that you're here too. Did you get your bed? If my experience is anything to go by, the tears will come back eventually. You'll be ok. We both will. Someday! Go easy on yourself x

  2. Fiona, You are doing great and your kids are very lucky to have such a brave mother. You are making real progress and your kids and everyone else is very proud. There are lots of people thinking of you,myself included. Be kind to yourself. Take care

  3. Fiona you are doing so well. I am sad you have hit this bump, it is nasty I know. You are so brave and the kids are proud of you and will be even more so when they understand this battle. Thinking of you. Angela

  4. Cry, hold them, tell them how much you love them. Cry some more. You are doing great. They love you and always will. My lovely partner and supportive family are great, but it is my kids that get me through the worst. There will always be time you feel you have lost with kids, through illness, work, stress ! but when they know they are loved they dont feel that time is lost. You are doing great. Thus will pass. Xx

  5. Oeh, hope it's past now with big day for D in full progress.. Just enjoy the smiles from the kids and play along with them, leave the worrying to the grownups 🙂
    Hope so you can enjoy this day as much as possible!
    Lots of hugs!

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