Lately I find I’m very impatient. I can almost hear Hubby snorting into his coffee in disbelief as he reads that, no doubt he has long been aware of my impatient streak. But it’s more than that at the moment. I’m unsettled. I find when I think of something I want to do, or want to find out about, then I want it to happen NOW, I can’t wait. I’m thinking about retraining. Now isn’t the time, by a long shot, and we couldn’t afford it even if the timing was right. But I’m impatient to make it happen. I’ve put myself forward for a couple of things that could be really exciting but will be waiting a few weeks before I know the outcome. I had bloods done this morning to try and figure out what’s happening with meds. Results won’t be for a week, and even then no decision will be made until I see the psych again, and god knows when that will be. I’m due to finish in this job in two weeks, but as yet have no idea where I’m going after this. It’s making me crazy!!!!! Change does not sit will with me. We know this. It appears uncertainty doesn’t sit well with me either.

I’m impatient to get to this mythical place of stability that Therapist keeps talking about. Some days I feel absolutely fine, on top of the world and it seems all the chaos is behind me. Then there are days like today – I’m tired again, I’m agitated, I’m restless, I can’t focus and things feel very much out of my control. I’m in a doing mood. I need something to distract me, keep me going. Sitting at a desk all day is extremely difficult, and focusing on work is all but impossible. If I were a cartoon, I’d have those squiggly stress lines around me. Or do this:

Anyway, as I’ve been writing this I’ve noticed something. I’m barely breathing. My breath is really shallow, and all in my chest. Not helpful. And I’ve also unwittingly figured out exactly what the problem is. There are a lot of things out of my control right now, things that have the potential to have a big impact on me. I just have to sit tight and wait for the changes to come, because they will, sooner or later, but tying myself up in knots about it isn’t going to make it happen any faster. I’m not sure I can be zen, but I know what I can do to make myself feel better. I wasn’t able to get up for my walk this morning as M was up too much last night, but come hell or high water I’ll get out this evening. Writing this has helped. I’ll talk. And it will pass.

This article has 4 Comments

  1. HI Fiona,
    Every blog you write i can totally identify with everything you say. I used to think i was going mad with the stuff that was in my head but now well most of the time i realise, the thoughts are normal and it is usually when i am tired, stressed or insecure that the thoughts get crazy.
    So we will keep going on this journey and take it a day at a time even a minute at a time.

    1. You're so right. This last week has been really tough, and it's only today, feeling better, that I can see how bad it was. Mostly I've spent the last few days thinking I was slowly losing my mind. Like you, tiredness, stress, things being out of my control – all triggers. Big change on the way so it's very much one day at a time for now.
      I'm so glad you can identify with what I right – it makes me feel good that I'm helping you, but from a more selfish point of view, it also helps me realise that I'm the total crazy I sometimes think I am! Thank you 🙂

  2. One of the things my counsellor is working on very hard with me is breathing – apparently my breathing habits are very very bad – especially my habit of holding my breath without even realising it, and the chest breathing, in fact every bad habit you can think of – changing my breathing really does seem to help x

    1. Definitely. I'm a demon for holding my breath and most of the time don't realise I'm doing it. When I eventually do, I find myself needing to take really deep breaths for ages, it's like my brain has suddenly realised being deprived of oxygen isn't actually helpful!! I also tense up really badly, it's as if I want to make myself as small as possible. So very not helpful. I think I need to get breathe tattooed on my hand……… 😉

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