Today was far tougher than I anticipated, especially considering how pleased I was with how things went in the hospital yesterday. But today was the day I had my first session with Therapist after a break, and I knew it was going to be tough, for a number of reasons. Mostly it had to do with all the flags that are waving around my head at the moment, but those flags make it really hard to talk. In case you don’t want to go to the effort of reading back over all that, here are the big ones:

  • I want to stop taking meds (check)
  • I think I’m over reliant on Therapist (check)
  • I want to stop counselling, based on the fact that I’m over reliant on Therapist (check)
  • And, unfortunately, I start to see problems with Hubby where there are none (check)
So for all these reasons, today’s session was really tough. And incidentally, she is strongly against the idea of my coming off meds. This I did not want to hear, but I have to take it into consideration, because she knows me better than any of the medical people who are treating me. But that’s for another day, I don’t want to think about it right now. 
So, I’m firmly in the danger zone. Why? Turns out I need weekly therapy to help keep me on the straight and narrow. Who knew?! So three weeks without left me too much to my own devices, too much in my own head, and ultimately has led to how I feel this evening. But, on the plus side, we did manage to sort out the above problems, or at least start to address them. Stopping meds? Tricky, and will need to be carefully considered. Over reliant? Possibly, but given what’s been going on this last few years, not exactly surprising. I won’t always rely on her to this extent, but right now, I need the extra support, even and possibly especially when I think I’m ok. Because if I’ve learned nothing else from the last three weeks, I’ve learned that it takes very, very little for me to go from grand, to just ok, to f.i.n.e. Hubby? Poor, long suffering Hubby, is unfortunately the closest target when I’m not great. That doesn’t mean our marriage isn’t great. It means I’m not great. Biiiiiig difference. 
So how am I now? Mostly I’m tired. There was a lot of crying, and that’s always exhausting. But also I’m relieved, because I had myself convinced that I wouldn’t be able to continue working with Therapist and I know that would fairly quickly cause significant problems. So as she said, I need to turn the ship around before this gets any worse. I didn’t realise how much influence Bitchface was having this last while, the self criticism was getting pretty loud and relentless. But now I know, so now I can catch it.
We’re heading off tomorrow to stay with family for a few days, and plan on catching up with old friends and doing some fun stuff with the kids. It’s something to look forward to, and that’s what I’m going to focus on now. I’m not ok. But I will be. 

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