I’m almost afraid to write it, let alone say it aloud, but maybe, just maybe, I’ve turned the mythical corner in this whole withdrawal palaver?? The last week has been an almost indescribable nightmare – I’ve been at the mercy of my emotions every day and completely unable to predict or stop the waves coming at me, of either body wracking, heart breaking sobs and sadness, or terrifying anger. My sleep has been erratic at best, and non existent at worst.
But today?? Today I woke up feeling (and I believe I need to insert a drumroll here because it’s so phenomenally unusual) refreshed, AND, calm. At the same time!!!!!!!!!! Normally I wake up with a pain in my brain, which I’m only aware of now by it’s absence this morning. Not a headache, more a sense that my mind has been going at full tilt all night – do you know what I mean? Generally waking up sees me physically and emotionally exhausted, despite attempts at rest.
So what has made the difference? I honestly think it’s been a combination of the absolute quiet around me (Hubby, cannot thank you enough for giving me this space. I’ll roll a couple of beers across to you later), my lovely friends checking in, feeding me, taking me out to chat about nothing, messages of support and of course my wonderful fellow sunnyscattereds virtually cheering me on and urging me to keep going when it was quite literally the last thing in the world I wanted to do. As well as people generally being awesome in helping me through this, I’ve been able to do a few things for myself as well – I’ve been walking, a lot, in all weathers. There’s been yoga. There’s been headspace. Eating when I really didn’t want to. Lighting fires. Cuddling under a blanket with my dogs. And of course, time, the old reliable that I never want to hear about when I’m in the thick of it.
|With special (spectacular) chocolate treat all the way from Italty!|
And, I got through it all without sending Therapist frantic distress texts, waiting for her to fix it for me, despite knowing that she can’t. That is a massive win, and very new for me.
I’m wary of getting my hopes up too much, I’ve been in an incredibly safe, quiet, undemanding environment for the last couple of days and reality is vastly different. There’ll be noise. It’ll be frantic. Demands will be made of me, probably more than one at a time and quite likely accompanied by crying (although with any luck not by me). But I am hopeful that the last few days will have helped push me that much closer to where I need to be. I’ll find out soon enough!!!