I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow, or most likely one of her team. I’m at a loss as to how to describe the last few months – I haven’t seen her since before Christmas which is the longest gap I’ve had between appointments since I was discharged from hospital. This is a good thing, it means she was happy with how I was doing when I last saw her, and this appointment is just to check in.
But, I have a couple of issues. One, I don’t expect to actually see my consultant. I attend psych services as a public patient, so she has a team under her, and her team rotates every 6 months. This drives me absolutely cracked because there’s no consistency, and despite the fact that I’ve technically been in her care for over two years now, almost three in fact, I feel I have no relationship with her. Every time I’ve seen a new member of her team, it’s been blatantly clear that they know absolutely nothing about me – I generally have to tell them what drugs I’m taking. On the one occasion that I worked up enough courage to actually ask if my notes had been read, I was told they hadn’t. How can I possibly explain the intricacies and absurdities of what’s been going on in my head to someone who has no frame of reference for me, no clue of my history, has never met me before and will likely never meet me again? Is there even a point to it?
I realise I’m setting myself up to be massively on the defensive tomorrow, but to be honest, I don’t think that going in and answering a standard set of questions about mood and sleep over the last 4 months will be particularly helpful, especially when you consider that my mood can swing so rapidly, and so frequently. The usual – ‘on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your mood over the last month’ really isn’t going to cut it.
I mentioned to Therapist on Monday that I was seeing her. I think, although I don’t know details, that they’ve worked together in the past. She told me she’s a nice lady, and good at her job. But my problem? I don’t trust her. Therapist’s response? ‘You don’t trust anyone’. This is a true story, I don’t, not really. I just about trust her. Some of the time. It seems so paradoxical – I trust the vast wilderness that is the interweb with some of my darkest thoughts, yet I won’t share them with a friend. Or, my psychiatrist. She knows nothing of the issues I’ve been having about Therapist, the ridiculous level of angst it has caused me. I should probably tell her about it. But I will only tell her, I will not tell someone I’ve never met. Why? Shame. It all still feels so profoundly shameful, and to be honest, I don’t think they’ll either believe me, or take me seriously. I realise I’m probably projecting massively right now, but that’s where I’m at.
So how will it go? I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer questions about how I’ve been. I’ve been good, I’ve been depressed, I’ve been angry, I’ve obsessed endlessly over Therapist, I’ve been short with the kids and then other times I’ve been blissfully happy with them. I am a walking contradiction. Maybe I should just say that?
And then of course, there are the medication questions, the ones I always, always ask. Do I have to keep taking it? Why? How long more? Will I need it long term? How long is long term anyway? Borderline can’t be fixed with medication, so is there really any point in my continuing to take it? Do I really have borderline anyway? How do you know? And on, and on, and on.
I’ll keep you posted.