You may have noticed I’ve been a little quiet this last couple of months. It didn’t happen intentionally, there was no great decision to stop writing, no knee jerk reaction to anything. It just sort of happened. I find I’m in a really good space right now – I’m managing difficulties as they arise, I’m continuing to reduce meds, and as of a few weeks ago, I’m also finished with Therapist 3.0. All I need to do now is get myself back to work and I’ll be a fully functioning human being again!

It’s likely it’ll stay quiet around here for the foreseeable, but I’ll leave everything exactly where it is in case it’s of some use. If you’re struggling, the Samaritans are available 24/7 on freephone 116123, and there’s plenty of information on available supports at yourmentalhealth.ie

Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever give up.

x

 

 

 

This article has 1 Comment

  1. Dear Fiona. I want to thank you as your blog turned my life around and helped me in a way no one except you could imagine.
    I was at rock bottom. At the deepest darkest point in my life. My story would have many similarities to yours. I was a very sensitive quiet demure young girl. I met my devoted husband and married at 30 thinking that from here on in my life would be great. I watched one of my closest friends battle with fertility issues never thinking for one minute that the same issues would affect me and my marriage for almost a decade. I miscarried our first baby at 12 weeks which ended in a D and C. We were devastated. I miscarried our second baby five months later. I couldnt believe it had
    happened to us again. My wonderful consultant made the discovery that i had a progesterone deficiency and so i was started on the drug clomid and the following year our wonderful daughter Olivia was delivered by emergency c section..she was and is our treasure.
    Looking back i struggled after her birth but like so many women got on with things.
    We went on to lose another pregnancy despite being medically supervised and after almost 12 months of taking the highest dose of clomid conceived and our precious daughter Niamh was born by c section. Again i struggled after her birth but managed to merge from the blur and returned again to work. I had my two precious girls but longed for another baby and returned to my fertility specialist and after only a few short months discovered that we were to become parents again..this time to our son Joseph. The light of my life.
    When Joseph was four months old at Christmastime i completely fell apart. I had no idea what was happening to me. I found myself on our hall floor beside the christmas tree curled up in a ball begging God to help me. I sought the help of my GP and friend and wasdiagnosed with PND and prescribed anti depressants and counselling and so after almost a decade on the baby trail i started on the mental health trail. In hindsight what was occurring was my medication resistant depression was to the forefront and so i was in a dark suicidal lonely empty place while my dearest and nearest were enveloped in frustration and fear for me and my babies as they were at the time.
    Very long story short..i improved but there was always something there..i couldnt quite put my finger on. I ignored that something and ploughed on. Under GP supervision weaned myself off the drug that best worked for me only for the depression to return again with a bang and ultimately result in me leaving the house one morning in my dressing gown with the largest knife in the house up my sleeve and to sit into our car and ponder what to do next..what saved me was the fact that it was early sunday morning and a v elderly lady living down the road was on her way to mass on her zimmerframe. That broke my reverie and i returned to the house shaken to find Olivia waiting for me asking me if i was okay. My husband brought me to A and E and i was referred to nearest physchiatric ward where i was prescribed a cocktail of drugs and discharged. I once again became well eventually after several months and always wondered was it the meds working or my sheer determination pulling me thru.
    i continued to keep well for almost five years until on holidays became unfocused on taking my meds and on my return home the terror gripped me again in the middle of the night and i had a physical sensation upon waking that i was falling down a turret while holding my hand out in an effort to grasp my fathers arm. My father died all of 25 years previously..i was at a very low ebb. I hadbecome blanketed again in the haze and terror that is treatment resistant depression. I was in the hole..i was desperate. My emotions were frozen.. i felt nothing..nothing.
    iwas desperate. I was convinced my little family would be better off if i was to run away. I made a very rational in my own mind decision that running away would be the answer. Not taking my own life..i wouldnt do that to them. I had no value attached to my
    existence whatsoever. I was attending gp service..physchiatrists and no change in mood. I was struggling a battle going on in my mind. And the question why am i not improvi g? It was then i turned to the powers of Google and whatever words i typed brought me to one of your articles in her.ie ? As i read your words i was paralysed by some of your descriptions of the way you felt. The way you felt about yourself and your struggles. The way you were as a child and yiung adult. It was life altering for me. Before the Physchiatrist uttered the words borderline personality disorder in her ultimate and reluctant diagnosis of me i had diagnosed myself. I knew deep down that my diagnosis was the correct one. I like you always felt different. Highly sensitive..melancholic as a little child. Liked to be on my own. My world had become v small. I believed i was a very social person. In fact no i wasnt.. i avoided so many social situations. Only doing the bare minimum..i wasnt living..i was existing!
    I found your blog and all of a sudden the pieces of the jigsaw all started to come together there was so much in there that i could relate to so much.
    My depression took a seriously downward spiral where i vocalised my frightening thoughts ty husband and we got a urgent appointment with the pyschiatrist. I was experiencing very troubling suicidal thoughts..i couldnt carry on like this. I knew of course before the doctor made the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder that this is what i had been experiencing all throughout my lifetime. I always felt that i was ignoring or running away from something. I have turned my life around since this diagnosis was made. Knowing what was wrong has been life altering. I have attended mindfulness classes. I meet regularly with a mental health expert who i would regard at this stage as a friend. I feel for the first time in my life i have stepped off the hamster wheel and experience clarity of thought a wonderful thing. I live in the moment as much as i can and enjoy the little things like watching my children play or even fight!!
    I am loving my life and for the first time in my life loving me.
    Thank you Fiona.
    Jacqui. x

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