I realise I’m posting a lot at the moment, but writing yesterday really helped bring things back into focus for me, and I could use some of that today. The knot is bigger and I’m feeling physically shaky. Again, no reason at all, or at least none that’s jumping out at me. That’s the nature of the beast.

I think when I first started writing this blog, the momentum and excitement of it really carried me through. Prior to that my distraction tactic of choice was painting (walls, nothing more artistic than that). But now, as with the painting, the novelty of doing something new has worn off, and while I’m still getting so much from the writing, the actual excitement is fading. I’m back to good day bad day territory, and I really, REALLY don’t like that. I know this will pass, just like it did yesterday. But quite frankly, that’s not helpful. I’m tired of waiting for it to pass, knowing that it will just come back again. Platitudes, from myself or anyone else, aren’t helpful.

Someone told me yesterday that my writing is pretty raw. That’s the point. I don’t want to sugar coat it. I’m not going to be falsely optimistic, and tell you that once I do x, y and z, the bad mood will lift, never to return. I’m just writing what is, at least for me. And that means that some days everything is wonderful, I’m well, happy and optimistic and I can see good in life. Other days are like today, where I know it’s going to be a bit of work to get myself through the day, to keep moving rather than give into the temptation of sitting and staring at nothing for hours on end. Some days will just be hard.

I’ve just read back over the above and I get a sense that Bitchface is coming out in what I’ve written. I’m at the point of berating myself for feeling low. That’s a mistake. I know that a low mood doesn’t always need a reason. I know it can come and go like waves. I can fight with it, try and push it to one side, that won’t change anything. Or, I can try and accept that right now, that’s how I feel, and maybe just go easy on myself until it passes. Which it will.

One of my dogs, Tim, is particularly sensitive to my moods. Hubby and I have both noticed it, any time I’m low he will invariably watch me a lot more closely, follow me around, or else sit on or beside me. As I type, he’s on my lap being particularly attentive. It’s helping. Writing this has helped. Thank you.

That’s Tim there, on the left. The other is Daisy. Sometimes a dose of unconditional love from a warm bundle of fur is the answer to everything!!!

This article has 5 Comments

  1. I suppose it is, or it must be, different for everyone. But I just read this post and I think I know what you mean. I call it catatonic – those times where I just want to sit and stare, when the motivation to do anything is just not there. Today I have lots of fairly important things to do but am having difficulty beginning any of it.

    Some time ago, a long time ago, I had days so bad that I could not answer the telephone, or if someone rang the door bell I would hide. I could not face seeing anybody at all. Does anyone else do that sort of thing? It seems such a daft and shameful thing to do, when I think of it now. Also very silly but it seemed totally reasonable at the time.

    I have got much better than those very bad old days … I don't do that sort of thing any more. So, yes, good days and bad days. Sometimes, a day can start off being really bad but it can end up being quite good. That takes a lot of effort and hard work.

    Keep on writing your posts because it is very helpful. Well, it helps me, anyway! 🙂

  2. hi, we all know that the good days are great but we will still have the bad. please listen to me when i say that coping with the bad gets easier. I totally understand the 'not answering the door or phone'. I lived around the corner from my kids school, I would drive there, get out of the car and pretend I was on the phone so I didnt have to speak to anyone. The idea of entering into conversation terrified me as I felt they all knew there was something wrong with me! Even now I wont answer calls if I dont think I can cope with it at that exact moment. I will call back when im ready, and I always call back. When things are getting to much I write a to do list. believe me it brilliant, you feel so good when things are ticked off. I got a call from a good friend recently who had noticed what I was putting on my page, she thought I was really "bad" (ye know what I mean), but was delighted when I explained what it was about! To all having a bad day – take it from experience – it gets easier. And to fiona, dogs are incredibly intuitive, and hes there to mind you, watch-when youre in good form he will be too!! take care talk soonxx

  3. Thanks so much for the comments, if it's helping you to read my blog, it's helping me to hear how you're all doing! It really is a tricky one, just riding it out till things pick up. Yesterday was tough going for me, I was really hard work!! Despite my best efforts quite a lot of time was spent staring at nothing. But, I did manage to get a few things done, and as long as I just take it one thing at a time, I can keep going. I think today will be the same. Just one thing at a time. That and not getting thick with myself for feeling a bit stuck! I know it will pass.

  4. Does sitting in a supermarket carpark, frequently, staring … just staring out the window for ages and then allowing myself to sleep in the carpark sound crazy? I think I think I just recognised normal people dont do things like this … who am I trying to kid, I even do it outside my own bloody house! Whats worse is that I live on my own anyway so who am I escaping? What am I even doing?

    I found your blog tonight Fiona and have started reading my way through … for various reasons beyond my own odd thoughts and behaviours … you are illuminating some dark corners for me tonight. I will read on in the morning. I’m very pleased you have written this blog with such well communicated honesty because its not only easy reading but I can feel the human behind the screen and connect if only for seconds at a time

    to tomorrows read ………x

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