I hit a nerve with Therapist this evening, one I didn’t even really know was there. It’s left me reeling. It’s a long time since I cried on the bus home after a session, and even longer since I cried reading my kids a story.
|Really, not the most moving piece of writing
I actually hadn’t been scheduled to see her until Wednesday, we had agreed to try pushing out the gap between appointments. But, the excitement of Friday night seems to have left me a bit flat, and by Saturday afternoon I was edgy. I eventually caved last night and mailed looking to bring the appointment forward, which she had agreed we could do if the gap proved too challenging. It was the right thing to do, but I’m disappointed, and taken aback at how overwhelmed I’ve been since seeing her.
I’ve long been aware that I have Therapist on a pedestal
, she knows it too and we’ve talked about it ad nauseum. It’s wearing me down. It’s the problem I punched through
the other night, because I know it’s no longer helpful. I needed her to be perfect for a while there, for some reason it was the only way I felt I could rely on her – if she was human, sometimes tired, sometimes needed to cry, then there was no way I could be open with her. I think. (I realise this makes very little sense, and I’m only starting to work it out myself. I think it’s something to do with a preference for being the questioner rather than the questionee – do you know what I mean??) But now this perfection has become a problem, partly because it’s become a standard to set myself against, and partly because it’s a complete fabrication. She keeps trying to tell me this – we’re the same, no better, no worse than each other, just two people trying to muddle through. The problem is, when I try and see her like this, I just can’t, and at the same time, it leaves me feeling overwhelmingly lonely and empty. This is what we hit on this evening, this is the newly exposed nerve that has me crying at the drop of a hat.
I know the two things are connected, I just don’t know how, and I realise it probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Therapist has worked with borderline people before, and they’ve mentioned this loneliness, this void. She was filling the emptiness for me when I couldn’t do it for myself, but this is what needs to change. This is what DBT will help me to do, and this is what I came up against this evening. I’ve reached a point where I’m well enough to challenge myself again – by pushing out appointments, and by starting to do for myself what I’ve long relied on Therapist for. Today, that’s pretty overwhelming. Hopefully tomorrow it will look easier.