I’ve been trying to write for the last half hour, but the words won’t come. I need to, because I’m in such strange form and I need to make sense of it or I won’t sleep. So apologies, I don’t think this is going to be cohesive, or logical, or insightful. It’s just going to be me trying to figure out why I feel so off tonight, and shaking it so that I can start tomorrow in better form.

I feel lost, and lonely, and sad, and I don’t know why. We had a lovely weekend for M’s birthday – my folks came over, there was a lot of pink cake and much relaxing and making fuss of my girl. But something’s still not right. I feel massively under pressure, and I shouldn’t, because no one is putting pressure on me. I’m struggling to accept some realities right now – the fact that I have to work full time, the fact that I don’t have a fixed position at work, constant financial stress, fluctuating mood…………and time. Time, time, time. There just isn’t enough of it. Time for me, for the kids, for Hubby, for the things I need to do to keep well (walk, write, yoga, eat properly), friends – how can I fit all of this around work? It’s seems such a first world problem, and I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I’m struggling with it. For now at least, we’ll need to be pretty regimental in our routine to keep things ticking over, and the speed that our life is moving at is scaring me. But I can’t change it. I can’t change our circumstances.

This isn’t helping tonight. I feel like I’m just complaining and nothing is getting any clearer. It’s not a nice feeling. I’m not even sure about posting this but this is me, it’s where I’m at and if I can’t be honest then it’s not working any more. So there you have it. I feel like poo. I hope I can sleep it off and feel better in the morning.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Sounds like you're in a rubbish headspace right now, good luck whilst it's going on, and hope it doesn't last too long.

    I know logic doesn't really help in these situations, but from over here I see lots of potential pressure on you, work, children (blessed as they are they're hard work too), uncertainty, finance, change, lack of control over your situation, (oh and living with clinical depression) so to me it seems perfectly understandable that it might all get on top of you. So fingers crossed you can learn to accept how you're feeling and not add guilt to the list.

    Also hoping you can think of some things to help (maybe someone to talk to plus dropping some things from your to do list/lowering your standards and possibly considering asking for /accepting help).

    Most of all I want to give you a hug, drop round a casserole and send you to sit down with hubby whilst I do the washing up then bugger off, which is a bit forward of me seeing as we've never met!

    1. 🙂 thanks R, that sounds like a really lovely plan! Standards are well and truly dropped at this stage. Had a good session with Therapist yesterday which helped, so calmer today at least. I'll get there!

  2. This post has been on my mind all day. Time is a divil in that it seems to be there when you don't necessarily want it and not to be there when you crave it.
    One of the biggest 'shocks' I got when my son was 'young' was that there seemed to be no time to do all this 'enjoying' that everyone who was older and wiser was advising. It seemed to be a constant grind. It took me ages to change how I perceived 'time' and to accept that I was on a merry-go-round that wasn't going to stop just because I wanted it to. That acceptance changed the picture completely and I began to appreciate the moments I DID have rather than battle against myself and the world about the ones I didn't.

    I don't know that there is ever a 'good' time in life in terms of 'time.' However, from observation, it seems to be the people who accept what has to be accepted in different phases who do best with it. Hope this makes sense and is some help. You are definitely not alone!

    1. It makes so much sense, and I'm really trying to accept things for what they are. The problem is there are multiple things that need accepting, each big and nasty in their own right and it's just taking longer than I'd like. I'm working on it though.
      Thanks for the support, it's good to know I'm not the only one!

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