It’s been almost a week since I last posted, which I think is possibly the longest I’ve ever gone between posts. I’ve missed it, but, I haven’t felt as much of a need to write either. I definitely need it more when I’m struggling, or when there’s a change going on that I’m trying to get my head around. So, while I’ve missed it, it’s good that I’ve been able to get through this time relatively intact. In fact, things are going really well, probably as well as they have done in months, if not years, for a variety of reasons.

The biggest reason is that I’ve just started working half time again. This is huge. Today is officially my first day as a half timer, and I almost skipped out of the office at 1pm (having even managed to clock up some overtime!!). I can’t quite get my head around it. Making this even better is the fact that I’ve only got two weeks left before 7 weeks off, so today almost feels like the start of my holidays. As I write this, this is my view:

Kids are still in creche as I’ve to go see Therapist soon so the house is blissfully quiet

The biggest issue that I’m actually facing right now (and I’m grateful to be at the point of getting worked up about something less serious) is whether or not to continue with Therapist, or take a break for a while. I mentioned in my last post about how confusing I find the therapeutic relationship, and this is something I have to talk to her about today. The last few days haven’t been so difficult, but towards the end of last week I was really struggling with the need to contact her. Today, I feel so good that going in for a session seems pointless. I need to find a middle road somewhere, somewhere between desperately needing her and not wanting to speak to her at all. I’m not looking forward to having this conversation again. I know it’s the process, rather than her personally that I need, but it’s incredibly difficult to separate the two, and I have her on an impossibly high pedestal. I’m constantly comparing myself to an imagined version of her, and constantly coming up wanting. This isn’t helpful. So, I need to talk about it again. Again. And I need to make a decision, one way or the other. Maybe just take a break while I’m doing DBT? I’ll keep you posted.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Obviously you can only do what feels right for you but if you can at all, hang in there. It sounds from your previous post that there's transference going on and it might be interesting to explore that with her, clear the decks a bit and then see whether you feel like continuing or not.
    Most people in therapy go through what you're experiencing but if you stay, you might find that in time, the therapist will have helped you build up your own resources and you'll feel less reliant on her. As for the pedestal – if she's a good therapist, she won't have stepped on it 😉 And she'll disappoint you from time to time, but hey, that's relationships for you. Be well x

    1. Thank you. We've explored this a lot, from many and varying angles, she has an impressive level of patience!! She keeps reminding me that we're just the same, no better or worse than each other, and that there's no point in putting her on a pedestal because she scared of heights 🙂
      I really do struggle with not seeing the real her, but at the same time, appreciate that she's been able to hold the boundaries against some fairly serious pushing on my side. I know it's for the best, and I know (or at least I hope!!) that at some point in the future taking a step back from her won't seem so scary.

  2. Aren't you having a long by your standards break over the summer anyway. Have you considered seeing how that goes before deciding? But what do I know. Ask hubby and therapist what they think. Good luck either way.

    1. Thanks R. Spoke about it last week, and we're going to try pushing out the gap between sessions to see how I go. Of course my initial reaction to that was an overwhelming sense of rejection, but I can see that that was a fairly massive disordered reaction so it's ok. There's always the safety net of reducing the gap again if I'm finding it too hard.

  3. I hope that maybe you've gotten some new perspective after talking about it with therapist today. It's encouraging that you've been feeling relatively good, and that your reduced work schedule has made such a difference. Can you space out your appts a bit and see how you manage with that? Like see her every 2 or 3 weeks instead of every week?

    1. Going for a ten day gap after next appt to see how that goes, with the caveat that if it's too much we can pull back. Tonight at least I'm feeling confident that it will be ok.

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