Yesterday was better. Yesterday I slept till 10ish, spent a good hour doing yoga, had a ridiculously long shower then picked up the kids. The rest of the day was mostly pottering. Ok, I did have to resort to emergency drugs, but just once this time as opposed to the twice of Tuesday. Today? I’m not long up (I went back to bed once Hubby and the kids had left) and have just ‘treated’ myself to a second breakfast of coco pops and a stale scone, so as well as feeling like crap mentally, I’ve managed to make myself feel like crap physically too.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want to write. It was all in my head when I woke up, but now it’s just gone.
Ok, I’m going to try something. I’m going to try and talk to me like I’d talk to a friend. What if my friend told me what’s been going on the last while……………I’m out of work because my focus and concentration are shot to bits and I’ve been getting really overwhelmed. On an emotional stability scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being certifiable, I’m a fairly consistent 8-9. I need to make some really big decisions that are causing me no end of anxiety and guilt, and I’ve no one to talk to because I finished with my therapist. I’m waiting on treatment for a severe psychiatric disorder, but in the meantime I need to muddle through on my own, plus look after my kids and generally try and maintain some semblance of functioning. The guilt that I’m feeling at the stress that all of the above is causing my family is compounding everything and making it feel so much worse. I’ve been suicidal, I’ve self harmed and have had periods of feeling intensely lost and hopeless, like there’s nothing I can do to make this better. My gp has told me I’m not currently fit to work full time, and I’m waiting to see my psychiatrist.
See, if a friend told me all that, pretty much the first thing I’d say is take out of the equation what can be taken out of the equation. I have to look after my kids. I have to continue functioning at some level.
Oh my god!!!!! I cannot apply the logic I’d apply to someone else to me. I want to say take a step back from work, but the unbelievable level of guilt that’s causing is making it all but impossible, because it’s not that simple. There are significant financial implications of doing that, and adding financial stress on top of all of the above really won’t help. But if I continue to push through with work, continue to make stupid mistakes…….
I want to be kind to myself. I want to say take a step back from work, and focus on doing what helps to keep me relatively stable. But I can’t. All I can hear is the voice in my head telling me to suck it up and get on with it, that I’m just not trying hard enough.