The last few days have been long, challenging, and mostly shitty. D got sick Saturday night and still isn’t 100%, M started puking today. Hubby’s not great and I am beyond tired. I’m also quite depressed, which is making all of the above that much harder to cope with. I thought if I tried to ignore bpd it would go away, much like I thought if I tried to pretend I could manage without Therapist, I would be ok. I’m not. I’m far from ok. I’m really, really struggling. I texted her today to see if there was any chance of a cancellation this week but no joy. Worst part? I don’t really believe her. There’s a part of me that’s utterly convinced I’m still being taught a lesson for messing up so badly, and that when I do see her, she’ll make that very clear. There’s also a part of me that desperately doesn’t want this to be true, and maybe on some level I know that it’s not, but right now I’m tired and the nasty voice is louder.
So many of the old ‘depression is like………’ clichés are ringing true at the moment. I feel like the walls are coming in on top of me. I would quite happily get into bed and not get out again. I’m finding it such a struggle to engage with my kids in the way that I normally do, and trying to manage everyone being sick (which would be challenging at the best of times) has me all but defeated. I don’t want to cook. I certainly don’t want to clean and considering the aforementioned puking, I really need to. I just want to be left alone, which isn’t an option.
I also feel unbelievably, monumentally guilty for letting this happen. I feel almost as if it’s been a choice, that this is something I’ve caused, and should be able to stop. I should walk/run/yoga/eat better/engage more etc etc etc, but right now I just can’t. I’m not sitting in a heap crying all day, it’s not that kind of depressed. It’s the numb kind, the don’t want to get dressed, don’t want to brush my hair, don’t give a shit kind. The really horrible kind.