Welcome to my rollercoaster mind. I’m going to take you through the last 24 hours, would love to know how you feel afterwards because I’m mostly just tired and a bit flat.

Before we start time travelling, I just want to remind you (and me) of how good parts of this week have been. Despite the glitch with medication on Monday, and the predictable fallout, I came back to myself very quickly, and didn’t immediately panic that I was on the way down again. I knew what the problem was, so I didn’t fight it. By Thursday the chemicals had rebalanced and I was feeling fine again. There were some big positives too – work has been sorted and if I wanted to, I could stay in the job I’ll be starting tomorrow till I’m 65, so I finally have some stability there. I’ve made it through to the blog awards finals in two categories, and am insanely chuffed about that. Whether or not I win is immaterial, the point is there are a lot of people reading and identifying with what I write, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s the win.

So what’s happened in the last 24 hours to change all that? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. Hence the light switch effect.

This is an overview of my mood since early August. Yellow is anxiety, red is depression. Like I said. Rollercoaster. 

Yesterday morning I woke up ok, felt fine, but within half an hour was incredibly irritable. You know the kind where if someone so much as breathes too loudly you want to punch them?? That kind of irritable. (Just fyi, nobody got punched. Not even me) Myself and Hubby had planned to go into town, and as my folks were over for a visit we had the rare luxury of going child free. Over the course of the drive into town I listened to some music and generally calmed myself down – deep breathing and stress ball. It worked. By the time we got to town I was starting to feel better. We had a lovely morning, just pottered about picking up a few bits, stopped for tea and scones, and had a long, leisurely, uninterrupted chat (those of you not living with small people may not fully understand the sheer joy of this – it never happens!!) I felt good. Better than good. We laughed a lot, and it struck me that I was feeling hopeful for the future, which is very new for me. But what a wonderful feeling!! It lasted a few gorgeous but fleeting hours. And then just as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. Literally like flicking a switch in my brain. I was making dinner and realised I really wasn’t feeling good, and it was the physical side of things that brought it to my attention first – the familiar sinking sensation in my stomach, the shaky hands. I told Hubby, just as I had told him in the morning about how off I was, and as with the morning, he was really good about it. Telling him did help, because it meant I could drop the pretence of being ok, which was one less thing to worry about.

I had a friend’s birthday to go to last night. I wasn’t going to know many people there, but those I did, I was looking forward to seeing and I wasn’t about to let these rapidly flicking switches get in the way of that. So the kids went to bed, on with a bit of slap and off I went. I’m glad I went. It brought me out of myself for the evening, but I could feel myself flagging towards the end of the night. I just wanted to get home, crawl into bed and have Hubby wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be ok. He did, it helped, I slept.

Today? Today I don’t know. I’m tired which doesn’t help. The simple joy and hope of yesterday has undoubtedly been clouded over, BUT…………………there’s a but. I know they’re still there. I know what I felt yesterday was real. I know that I’m incredibly grateful to have landed, finally, a stable job and a decent boss. I know that Hubby and I are rock solid. I know that my perspective today is a little skewed, so my thoughts aren’t entirely to be trusted. I know it will pass What I’m feeling today is real. It’s not because I forgot to take medication, or because I’m being melodramatic. I don’t feel good. But I’m not going to give into it. That’s real too.

This article has 7 Comments

  1. Immediately after reading this, here are my 'unthought out' thoughts! It sounded very like my own day – with ups and downs, moments of elation, concern, counting blessings, cursing limitations.. The only difference I think is that you may be much more 'tuned in' to mood than the rest of us so I say to you 'welcome to the ordinary world'. You are doing well. 🙂 (Blogpsot will not allow me to post with my username – hence anonymous) thesilvervoice.wordpress.com

    1. Thanks Angela. I'm not entirely convinced my extremes of up and down, along with the rapid changes, are normal, but I'm grateful that either way I'm starting to be able to accept them rather than fight them, and appreciate the good when it comes along. It's all progress.

  2. Hi Fiona,

    This is my 2 cents for what its worth. I spend a lot of my time feeling this way. We have two options when feeling this way Sink or Swim.

    Believe it or not for me this stage is progress. Although its hard work we have the power within our hands to change the direction of our day by distraction. I know I make it sound so easy but you and I both know that our illness is screaming at us to sink and sink I do a lot of the time.

    For me this is my battle. Its cause for me is a combination of a lot of elements but my energy levels play a huge role. When my energy levels are low holes start to appear in the wall where I have parked/hidden my stresses/faults and insecurities behind until I can face them through therapy or with my husband.

    Keep your loved ones close at this time. You sound like you have a great support around you. These too will help you swim.

    Keep battling your doing amazing.

    A x

    1. Thank so much A, you put it really well. I can't quite put words on how I feel today but I know there's something in me shouting loudly for me to sink. I won't though, not this time. Tiredness is a factor for sure, so I'm going to do my best this week to catch up on sleep and look after myself physically, that will go a long way towards quieting the demon.
      Hubby is being fantastic at the moment, lots of hugs and support, also helps. As does all this virtual support!!!
      Hope you're well today

  3. You asked for 'feelings' after reading this post, so here are my initial reactions:

    1. Tiredness seems to be weaving in and out of things ~ a bit like the zig-zag in your graph. That is real, especially, after a long day and a party! It makes me think of the saying, 'A cross baby is a tired baby!'

    2. It seems, very understandably, that you are highly sensitive to anything that suggests mood changes. No doubt these are amplified for you because of your history but I would see them as part of everyone's life, which isn't in any sense straightforward or fairy land.

    3. Having lived with people with depression, I have a fair idea how low the lows can go but I think your insight into your 'state of play' is great and also the fact that Hubby is so understanding and supportive.

    4. You've had a very long week and the very fact that the job situation has been sorted may well have stopped a bit of adrenalin pumping, thus leaving you flatter than you'd want to be.

    Hope next week goes well!

  4. Thanks J, you're right, tiredness is definitely a factor. I wonder if it's that I'm finally within reach of the long awaited place of stability, you could be on to something with that. Still feeling a bit flat this morning but determined not to let it take over. Thanks for the thoughts x

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