I am flattened. For proper. So much so in fact that about half an hour ago a run (!!) seemed like a good plan. Needless to say common sense/self preservation prevailed and I’m now tucked up in bed with the laptop. It’s been a really, really strange day. I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster since the minute I got up this morning, but as well as that, like I’ve been blindfolded so I’ve no clue what’s coming next, a climb, a turn or a drop. I’ve been at the mercy of my emotions for the entire day and I’m completely wrung out.
I’ve been noticing something the last while, and it’s definitely become more of a pattern since I finished with Therapist. My good days are AMAZING. I’m on top of the world, capable of anything, flying form, really optimistic about the future. I’m convinced everything is going to fall into place for me, that I’m destined for big things, that all I have to do is believe things will work out and they will. And then the bad days hit. The days like today. The days when I know I’m on a hair-trigger, and the slightest thing will be my tipping point. Today’s tipping point came far too early this morning, the minute I got up in fact. I was late, we were out of milk, I was frustrated because I knew I’d be facing into a traffic/parking nightmare, it made me short with the kids, they naturally reacted which made me worse and so it snowballed. This was all before I’d even made it down the stairs. By the time I dropped the kids and was on the way to work I was completely frazzled, so decided a therapeutic shout or two would be in order. It didn’t help and I now have a very sore throat.
My bad days are bad to the same extent my good days are good. Invariably they result in a meltdown of some description. It’s like I can hold it in to a certain extent, but sooner or later it comes out, and it’s never pretty. I move to the polar opposite of my thought process on a good day – everything is out of my control, no matter what way I turn I’ll keep hitting obstacles, it’s never going to get better, I’m completely delusional thinking I deserve any different. It is unbelievably exhausting.
Yesterday was one of the really good days. I’ve a few photos in an exhibition in NUI Galway in conjunction with Please Talk, and we had the launch yesterday. We also got coverage in the Irish Times, which was really exciting. On the drive in last night I had those excited, bubbly butterflies in my stomach. They’re quite common these days too, they tend to accompany the crazy happy days, and to be honest, I really enjoy it. But there’s a flip side to those days, and the flip side is that there’s always, always a fallout. Always. Hubby commented on it today as I went into a tailspin of catastrophising – whenever I have a day or a few days where there’s lots going on and lots of excitement, it’s generally swiftly followed by an epic crash. This has been my pattern for years. I know this. And yet I don’t know it, because every, single time, it catches me by surprise. When I eventually calmed down this afternoon I had to go out for a long walk with one of my pups, and made a beeline for the lake where I ended up sitting for the best part of half an hour. Water calms me down, every time.
And now? Now I’m just shattered. Burny eyed, so badly need to be asleep tired. I would so much love to be able to find a middle ground. Not one where I’m ecstatically happy and ready to take over the world, not one where I’m completely overwhelmed and ready to crawl into a hole, one where there’s a healthy mix of a far more moderate version of both of the above. One that’s not so utterly exhausting. Maybe that’s where dbt will get me.