Things are really, really hard right now. Actually, no, that doesn’t even come close. I am in the horrors. I so badly need to write about what’s been going on, to try and get my head around it, but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid that people will look at me differently, or not know how to talk to me, that they’ll be on eggshells around me. I realise a lot of this is my own fear being projected out. I just went down to the school to collect D, and was surrounded by familiar faces. I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t speak to anyone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to respond to ‘how are you?’. An honest answer would be way more than most people want to hear, but my capacity for smiling and pretending everything is ok is at an all time low. So my solution is to look at the ground, avoid eye contact as far as possible, and if it’s unavoidable, make it the briefest of hellos.

I’m really, really scared. I feel out of control and like I have no one to turn to. Hubby and my family have been amazing and are supporting me as much as possible, but there’s only so much they can do. Mam has been here since yesterday, she’s heading home tomorrow. She’s mopped up more tears in the last 24 hours than she probably has done in the last 24 years, I’m going to be lost when she leaves.

Everything is overwhelming. I’ve to wait over a week to see Therapist, over two weeks to see a psychiatrist. I’ve no clue how to manage in the meantime. I can’t bear to be around my kids, and it’s breaking my heart. I’m afraid Hubby will crack under the strain. But somehow, I’m supposed to put all of this to one side and keep going. I’ve lowered the bar from a day at a time to an hour at a time to a minute at a time. It’s still overwhelming. I’m desperate for a quick fix, but I know there isn’t one. That sucks.

This article has 4 Comments

  1. One minute at a time is just fine. I've been there. It is so hard to be feeling like this for such a long time. I'm sure your heart is broken about the stress of the kids, but that does not mean you don't love them and they know that. You like to bake….maybe some of that will help….good for you and them! Thinking about you…good thoughts! Colleen from NY

    1. Thanks Colleen. I got through it, I got back to work, we're doing ok. The hardest part of all of this is how it impacts on my relationship with the kids, but I try to be as honest with them as I can, and am slowly getting better at asking for help if I can't cope. This weekend is a case in point, they've gone to stay with my folks so I can regroup after a particularly tough week.

  2. I think you are doing great (despite what you think). I read your blogs regularly but have never commented before. You are helping others to understand what it's like to go through depression and the process to come out the other side. Have faith in yourself and your own inner strength – you are a fantastic mum and wife and friend (I don't know you personally but again, from reading your blogs, I have no doubts) and this difficult spell will pass.

    Best wishes,

    1. Thanks so much Michelle, for reading and taking the time to comment. It helps to know that people can identify with what I write, and if my writing helps them in some way figure things out then it makes the stress of it all that little bit easier to handle.

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