Things are really, really hard right now. Actually, no, that doesn’t even come close. I am in the horrors. I so badly need to write about what’s been going on, to try and get my head around it, but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid that people will look at me differently, or not know how to talk to me, that they’ll be on eggshells around me. I realise a lot of this is my own fear being projected out. I just went down to the school to collect D, and was surrounded by familiar faces. I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t speak to anyone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to respond to ‘how are you?’. An honest answer would be way more than most people want to hear, but my capacity for smiling and pretending everything is ok is at an all time low. So my solution is to look at the ground, avoid eye contact as far as possible, and if it’s unavoidable, make it the briefest of hellos.
I’m really, really scared. I feel out of control and like I have no one to turn to. Hubby and my family have been amazing and are supporting me as much as possible, but there’s only so much they can do. Mam has been here since yesterday, she’s heading home tomorrow. She’s mopped up more tears in the last 24 hours than she probably has done in the last 24 years, I’m going to be lost when she leaves.
Everything is overwhelming. I’ve to wait over a week to see Therapist, over two weeks to see a psychiatrist. I’ve no clue how to manage in the meantime. I can’t bear to be around my kids, and it’s breaking my heart. I’m afraid Hubby will crack under the strain. But somehow, I’m supposed to put all of this to one side and keep going. I’ve lowered the bar from a day at a time to an hour at a time to a minute at a time. It’s still overwhelming. I’m desperate for a quick fix, but I know there isn’t one. That sucks.