I’m not feeling great this evening. I saw Therapist earlier, and didn’t particularly realise I wasn’t feeling great until I went in the door. I suspect it generally takes her about 0.0002 of a second to figure out how a session is going to go before I even open my mouth simply by how I behave as I walk in. I noticed this evening that when I went in I was reluctant to look at her, and by the time I sat down (busily avoiding eye contact) I was shaking. Didn’t take much longer for the tears to come. There’s no real reason. Ok, it’s been a busy ten days since I saw her last – two interviews, a visit from my sister and her family………….

The sun put in an appearance so we took the kids paddling in the river

…………a couple of wonky days where I tried to figure out the best way to manage sleepiness/meds, on-going negotiations re work/childcare arrangements, a trip to Kildare and then back full tilt to get ready for the week ahead. Actually, I take that back. I can see my reasons right there. I was pretty busy for a solid week. There was a lot of emotional stuff going on, and that’s going to impact on me, it always does.

One of the reasons for the almost instantaneous shaking/tears combo with Therapist was a very well aimed question – how was I before the session? (I had mentioned a few weeks back that I was getting overwhelmingly anxious before seeing her). So I had to come clean. I had spent a considerable amount of time yesterday contemplating cancelling, and I wasn’t going to get back to her when she offered another appointment next week. I was going to sit back, and wait and see what she’d do, wait for her to come looking for me, prove to me that she cares about where I am and how I’m doing. Of course, this latter part I wasn’t really admitting to myself, that only came about as we talked about it today. It makes me feel sick to my core that I can think like this, but she wasn’t shocked, or disappointed, or angry that I would contemplate messing about in that way. She simply pointed it out for what it is, and for what I’m struggling to accept – yet another symptom of what I’ve got. It was all Bitchface, testing the limits, wanting to see how much I could get away with and how hard I can push. She was adamant that this kind of thinking, this incredibly flawed logic, is not who I was meant to be, it is simply a symptom, a sign that I’m not as well as I could be.

She’s right of course. When I look back over the last ten days I mostly feel tired, and a bit stretched. I get a huge lift out of doing interviews, but there’s definitely an emotional fallout to contend with and I haven’t quite mastered the handling of that yet. It was fantastic to have some time with my sister, we don’t get to see nearly enough of each other, but it’s always bittersweet because goodbye always comes too soon, and my god do I miss her.  5 hours on the M6 would drain anyone, it has to be one of the most boring drives in the country. And, lets not forget the med juggling.

So now I have to try and make things right for myself. I’m going to try my very first DBT lesson, and validate how I feel, by acknowledging that it’s real, and that it makes sense. Right now, I feel tired, overwhelmed, and a little sad, and given how busy the last week has been, that’s completely reasonable. I’m going to take myself off to bed, try and get a good night’s sleep, and with any luck, switch my mind off for just a little while. Tomorrow is another day, right?

This article has 7 Comments

  1. You certainly have had a busy past couple of weeks. I find the tiredness to be a strong factor in the onset of dips in mood.Sometimes the need to keep busy is pushed and i can over stretch myself- leading to a subtle dip in form (a dip i only realise after the fact i'm trying to do too much).Yet if i'm not doing something i feel a guilt..I could be doing this or doing that. I think because of years of bad habits i have formed a need to push myself and not recognise or validate feelings. Like you mention it's important to recognise when i'm feeling shit- and not try to come up with a reason why, or a way to change/fix this. I'm working hard on this at the moment.Can be exhausting but each time i recognise the dip i feel thats a small achievement- even if i let the dip in mood take over temporarily i am at least in the knowledge that i have sight of the mood change (if that makes sense!).

    I find on the trip to the therapist asking myself a swirl of questions- what will we talk about? should i mention this? etc. I have come so far in this i know i can just go in and say anything,how i feel and the meandering thoughts that i'm thinking.This is a long way from when i first went (which therapist recently admitted he was struggling to get me to say anything!).Also was very open and direct on recent visit to GP. Recent panic attack caused some worry for me- but as worked out with therapist it was an opportunity to admit my depression to boss at work and i got great help at home- felt secure knowing i wasn't on my own.

    The looking for proof of love/acceptance point you make is one i can relate to aswell. I find myself doing this,and have done since i was a teen. Suppose letting my negative thoughts convince me that others wanted distance etc from me.

    One thing i'm working on aswell as just trying to accept bad moods happen is this- whenever for instance when in work i was feeling quite good/talkative something would happen to me where i would say to myself this "positive" mood is a fantasy,that i shouldn't be this positive- so then my mood would dip,i would withdraw etc.Now i'm questioning this,and little by little convincing myself that the positive moods are good and normal,and that its the "negative" mood feeling that is wrong and clouding my judgment of the situation.

    Hope you feel a bit better in the morning.Your post really helped me tonight..as always. That Haribo picture is really tempting me!! 🙂 take care

    1. Thanks Alan – sounds like you're really getting a handle on managing your own moods which is great. It's so hard to break the habit of a lifetime, I find I need to be doing really well in myself to catch the negative thought in the first place, otherwise it's far harder. All we can do is keep trying I guess!
      Hope you're well today

  2. Sorry, was feeling a little annoyed as on three seperate occasions I'd typed out a response only to have it disappear as "data needs resending".
    Sounds like you've been busy. I wanted to let you know that from over here, I sense a shift in attitude. You have posted about your frustration at your dependence on Therapist in the past, but you seem to be stepping sideways slightly and starting to see this as a symptom of What You've Got (gestures to one side) . Hope that makes sense, I've been interrupted 7 times whilst trying to type it.

    1. It does make sense, and you're right, it is a shift, however subtle. I still don't like how it makes me feel and on occasion, act, but increasingly I'm able to recognise it as a flag. (a flag that's flying high today I might add!)
      Thanks for having the persistence to leave the comment despite technical glitches – much appreciated x

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