I’ve decided that this is the week I’m going to hear about dbt, one way or the other. I’m not sure what’s making me so certain, possibly just an extreme level of desperation to know whether or not I’ve got a place. As far as I’m aware, the meeting to decide how places were being allocated was to happen last week, so I’m assuming if it went ahead then I’ll be told this week.
But, I need to be realistic. I’m very aware that the demand for places far outstrips availability, and my psychiatrist is one of a few putting people forward. I’ve also been told that there are less places available this time round, which complicates things further, and that’s before we go anywhere near the on-going resource issues. I want to believe that it’s going to happen, but I have to be prepared that it won’t. I was back with the occupational health doctor last Friday, and he’s signed me about for another 6-8 weeks, primarily because he wants me either to be started with dbt before I go back, or, in the event that it doesn’t happen, that I’ve gotten safely over the inevitable fallout that that will bring.
In short? I’m still in limbo, but I’m feeling more confident in my ability to take control. Well, I’m feeling confident about it right now. I managed to do some yoga this morning – my arms are physically shaking from the exertion of a practice I could have done in my sleep a few months back, but I did it. I want to commit to doing something every day, even if it’s just one round of sun salutes. Surely I can manage that, even on a bad day? It’s not going to fix me, but it might make me more able to handle the possibility of not getting the outcome I want on dbt. I’ve got to try and put some kind of routine on my day, because I’ve been drifting aimlessly for weeks now. Even if it’s just little things like getting the beds made, emptying the dishwasher…….. I can’t keep hiding from my life. I guess I’m hoping that taking back control of the little things will make me more capable of coping with the big things, whatever they turn out to be.