Form is shocking this evening, absolutely shocking. I’m finding it hard to make time for myself this last few days, and mostly just ran out of patience this evening. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a combination of over tired kids not wanting to go to bed and slightly overwhelmed Mammy badly in need of some time alone. I haven’t quite managed to figure out how to fit it in since I’ve been off – week one I did pretty well with getting up for yoga, but this week I’ve either been in bed too late or else had the night time company of a little lady who wouldn’t take kindly to me abandoning her in favour of early morning yoga. I’m feeling guilty about heading out for a walk with the dogs when Hubby gets home because I’m conscious that he’s tired as well. It’s definitely something I need to work on.

It’s funny, I’m home all day, but I’m way, way busier than I was at work. Don’t get me wrong – it’s good busy and I can’t begin to describe how happy I am to have the opportunity to do this, but I miss being able to take even ten minutes to myself during the day, and I’m really missing writing. The last thing I want to do during the day is take out the laptop – I’ve taken this time off to be with my kids, and even leaving that aside, being interrupted for snack/drink/help every 30 seconds isn’t conducive to insightful writing.

Part of it is guilt. I don’t want to put the TV on so I can go and pootle about online, feels like I’m ignoring them and wasting time, even though writing always, always helps clear my head. Also because I’ve wanted this time so badly for so long, I feel obliged to be making the most of every second of it. Or do I? Maybe that’s just how I’m thinking today? I know it doesn’t do the kids any favours if I’m hovering over them every second of the day, and M is more than happy to wander off to her friend’s house. It’s a bit more challenging with D – he’s reluctant to play outside alone, and I don’t want to constantly be putting him off because I’m writing/cooking/speaking to someone etc etc. On the other hand, I still need time for me. I’ve really enjoyed the calm of the last two weeks, I love that we’ve hit the pause button on work and responsibility to just hang out, but I can’t forget that there are still things that I need to do to keep this calm going. I’ve let it slide this week.

I was talking about this with Hubby this evening, he was suggesting that I really need to try and find a way to get some time for myself during the day. Bitchface would like me to believe that’s not possible, but is that true? I think it’s finally time to break out my headspace app again. The kids are getting much more settled, and will happily play away together when I’m in the shower or making dinner, so why not while I take ten minutes to get some headspace? I think I’m partly afraid to try something like meditation or yoga with the kids in the background, because if I get interrupted the frustration of that will nearly leave me worse off than if I hadn’t done it at all (or at least it has done historically). But maybe I need to just try and put that aside and see how it goes? I guess if all else fails, TV is a reasonable distraction for the sake of maintaining sanity.

This article has 7 Comments

  1. Have you ever tried to do yoga with your kids
    … It's great fun probably not so much yoga but getting them into could lead to you being able to get head space & teach your kids an amazing tool

    1. I know Niamh, I should really just break out the mat when they're around and see what happens. They've always been interested in the past and tend to try and follow along, usually get bored after a few mins. I guess I'm just really conscious that I need yoga to keep me calm, and company might not be so helpful. Worth trying though. I'll let you know how it goes!

  2. I can relate so well to this and your frustrations seem perfectly reasonable to me. I'm with Hubby that it would help to be proactive about scheduling in the time for yourself. I'm terrible at that – truly, truly awful – but it is a life skill I absolutely must develop.

    Would it be possible to set up some quiet time for your kids in the afternoon? Once mine stopped napping, I would still have time in the afternoon when they played quietly in their own rooms. You could pick some amount of time that you think would work for them – and then use that time to do something for you. You could even explain that sometimes mommy needs quiet time to herself. And wouldn't it be just awesome if your kids grew up learning about self-care from seeing you do it??

    As for TV, I used to be opposed to it for the kids but have softened on that. My oldest never watched TV, but now, 10 years later, I'm suddenly realizing why people use TV to distract their kiddos! It's amazingly effective!! So now, here and there, especially during the summer when we're less structured, I'll let the three of them sit in front of the TV for a bit. I do it a bit grudgingly, but really, for all the time that we spend doing other interactive things together, a little TV every now and again isn't going to rot their brains (in my opinion). So cut yourself some slack on that one.

    I hope you can draft a new approach for yourself so that next week feels better. You're still doing amazingly well!

    1. Thank you. This helped when I first read it, and helped even more when I read it again today. I've let the routine slip the last few days, and while it's been nice to completely ignore it, things are going a bit pear shaped for me and perspective is definitely skewed again. I guess I need to try and strike a balance between routine and relaxed, and find some way within it of making time for me. I walked for over an hour last night with the dogs which really, really helped. I think when things are going well I tend to forget just how badly I still need time for me, and then I don't notice it till I start going over to the dark side and it's a frantic scramble to pull back from the edge. Again.

  3. Think finding that time for yourself during the day is vital,bit like feeding yourself its just something thats needed to feed your mind!! Find when miss a daily mindfulness meditation,a slow invisible spiral occurs that i dont notice but ultimately leads to another dip in mood days later.
    Am still waiting on the psych appt. Am going to be off work next week also,working with therapist this week ive finally convinced myself to see this time off as an opportunity to take me time rather than feel guilty for not being in work,or minding SJ etc.(like he says if i had a broken leg i wouldn't be able to manage these things either).
    Have felt very tired past week (might be increased meds) and lacking motivation. But feeling more optimistic today,and like you said in one of your other posts im going to focus on the optimism and try not to worry on the what ifs?.
    Heres to us finding more time for ourselves 🙂

    1. It's absolutely vital, and I'm wondering why I keep needing to learn this lesson over and over again??? Hope things are going better for you this week – did you get psych appt yet?

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