I’ve made it. Five whole days at work without crying, feeling out of my depth or being scared to talk to my colleagues. And, no further political drama whatsoever. It feels wonderful! Am so relieved at having made it through the week, and that I not only made it, but did well. I did’t struggle to get to today, I didn’t go to bed each night dreading what the next day would bring, and I didn’t wake with a knot of fear in my stomach. I’m tired, I haven’t worked a full week since January, but it’s a reasonable tired. I’ve been sleeping well, I’m actually eating better, and I’m taking myself out for a walk every lunchtime. My colleagues seem like decent people, and so far all have been really good about including me and helping me out. Things are good.
All of this goes to show just how much of an impact stress has on my mental health, and how quickly it can take a toll. I tentatively suggested to Hubby last night that seeing as I was so well, maybe I didn’t in fact need the increased dose of medication. He didn’t actually need to respond verbally, the look of combined stress/fear/frustration on his face said it all. The is the beginning of our long awaited period of stability, and I can’t allow anything to jeapordise that. Only two weeks ago I was a nervous, emotional wreck, struggling to stop myself from sliding back into a hole. So this positive outlook is very new, and will need to be well tended to and nurtured. The sun coming back will make that a whole lot easier – we’re looking forward to a weekend of pottering about the garden and catching up with my folks – those of you living in countries where good weather is the norm – you have no idea how great it is here when the sun comes out!! It’s such a rarity that it’s all anyone can talk about, it’s practically declared a national holiday, and there’s a noticeable improvement in the general mood around the place – but I digress. Where was I? Yes, tending to this new positive outlook. Mostly, I need to just remember not to run before I can walk, and try and avoid putting myself under pressure where I can. Walking is definitely helping, yoga would help more but I’m not there yet. I know I’ll come back to it, I always do and I’m always so grateful for it. But, I’m not going to use it as a stick to beat myself with that I’m not there yet. It will come when I’m ready.
Another wonderful change has also taken place in our house this last few nights, and I’m so afraid to jinx it that I’m actually going to say it in a virtual whisper………….our beautiful girl has had 3 whole nights of uninterrupted sleep. 3!!!!! Some of you may not think this is a cause for celebration, only 3?? But for M, this is huge. We have long struggled with her at night, both at bedtime persuading her to go to bed in the first place, and during the night with frequent wandering. Lack of sleep is another serious trigger for me, so this, combined with a bit of stability at work, a reasonably decent diet and whatever exercise I can manage, is the best chance at a prolonged sunny spell that I’ve had in a very long time.