I’m feeling like I’m floundering out of my depth right now and it’s bugging the hell out of me. I’m really struggling with the concepts of personal responsibility and patience – that ultimately it’s up to me to do what needs doing to keep myself well, and to be patient with myself in the process. I get it, but bloody hell do I resent it sometimes, and today is one of those times. It’s been a tough week, emotionally I’m up and down like a yoyo, and since Saturday I haven’t done my walking or yoga, ostensibly because I had a very sore arm off the back of my new tattoo. But if I’m being honest? I also just wasn’t arsed. I had a few days of spectacular meltdowns last week which left me shattered, and it was easier to fall back to old habits rather than actively try and do something to make it better. At the time, seemed the more compassionate move, but I’m starting to realise now that it’s taking a big toll.
My mood is shite. I went into Eden this morning and I just didn’t want to be there. Naturally given the frame of mind I was in I was going to resist everything that was said, and that’s exactly what happened. It feels too hard. The routine, the discipline, the responsibility……….rather than being something that can help they suddenly feel like very large sticks to beat myself with because I’m not doing any of it. I was just getting myself into some kind of semi routine and then last week kicked the crap out of me. I’m also very conscious that the kids are going to be on holidays from next week, so I need to drastically get my shit together if I’m to get the bits done that need doing every day. I need to do a summer WRAP.
My current daily maintenance plan looks a little like this:
- take medication
- eat well, drink enough water
- get enough sleep
- keep track of what I need to do with lists so I don’t get overwhelmed trying to remember everything
- minimum of 5 minutes of yoga
- headspace/soothing rhythm breathing
- walk (for the sake of the dogs as well as my own!)
- have compassion for myself – not beat myself up if all of these things don’t happen
Some days I manage almost all of it, others virtually none. The days that I have to be in town (Therapist 2.0/Eden) I’m out of my routine so I miss out on walking and yoga. If I miss those, it tends to follow that I’m less disciplined about what I eat. Headspace/breathing is barely happening at all. Now that I think of it even medication hasn’t been consistent, I know I missed a day sometime recently (accidentally) and I had a couple of nights of lower dose night time meds as I ran out. The mornings that I don’t have the car and I’m walking the kids to school I do better – the dogs come with me, and once I drop the kids I keep going. If I manage to do that, then I’ll manage yoga when I get back.
I’m not sure the problem is what I need to do so much as my ability to implement it and work around days that I have less free time, ie, the days I’m in town. And now come next week, there’ll be no dropping kids anywhere, so that incentive will be gone. The only way it’s going to work is if I manage to get really disciplined with myself and actually get up and out in the morning before Hubby goes to work. It shouldn’t be that much of an ordeal but it feels almost impossible today.
If I think of the pros………I’ll have my exercise done first thing which will (ideally) put me in a better frame of mind for the day. I won’t feel under pressure to squeeze something in in the evening. When I exercise, I eat better. When I eat better, I feel better. When I feel better physically, my mood is better.
Cons? I’ll have to be far more disciplined than I’ve managed up till now. I’ll have to stick with a reasonably early bedtime so I don’t run the risk of burning the candle at both ends. Who am I kidding?? They aren’t cons. They’re obstacles I’m choosing to put in my own way. It’s easier not to try, but only up to a point because when I don’t try, I end up in this shitty frame of mind, and then I’m no good to anyone.
My summer WRAP isn’t different. I just need to change the timing of things a little. Is that really so hard?