I’ve been sitting in front of the laptop for at least an hour now and I’m no closer to figuring out what it is I want to write or how exactly I’m feeling. Things seem to be shifting really dramatically the last week or so, and while on the one hand it’s fantastic, on the other it’s a little scary. Emotionally I’m like a ticking time bomb right now, but what’s new is that it feels like progress, whereas before it would have felt like a backwards step. I was asked an interesting question this morning – ‘Do you find the idea that the eruption of angry feelings is coming from the past helpful?‘ The answer is an unequivocal yes. While it’s scary to have emotion spill over out of nowhere, it’s even scarier when I can’t see a reason for it. I realise I can’t technically ‘see’ the reason right now, but I suspect I’m getting closer to figuring out what it is.
I’m not articulating this well at all, I’m really sorry. I feel like I’m on the verge of something, yet at the same time that there’s a giant fence in my way, and behind that fence my brain is wrapped in cotton wool so it’s really hard to get clarity. Maybe the easiest thing to do would be just describe what’s been going on.
Hubby has been at me forever and a day to give kettlebells a go so I caved and he started me on it this week. Yesterday was my first proper workout using the bell, so Hubby was with me to make sure I was doing it right. Any of you who’ve been reading for a while will know I have tried time and again to get myself fit – running, yoga, regular walks………bottom line is I don’t like getting sweaty and overheated, and I get really frustrated being a beginner at anything, so I tend to give up on things quite quickly, particularly when I can’t see progress. Yesterday was no different. Turns out hefting a kettlebell around the place is bloody hard work, and my lack of strength became very obvious, very quickly. The more obvious it got, the more frustrated I got, but I was able to keep going (chiefly because Hubby wasn’t going to let me stop). Until I hit an exercise that involved me orbitting the bell around my head. I LOST it. Spectacularly, instantaneously, uncontrollably, lost it. I was furious. If I’d had the strength I probably would have fucked the bell at a wall, but I didn’t, so instead I dropped it, turned around and punched my wardrobe. Then came the full body shakes, swiftly followed be tears. Usually the only thing that gets me this kind of release is actually smacking my head off a wall.
Hubby was awesome. I don’t know what he said, but he calmed me down and I went and tried again. And lost it again. Same exercise. I remember him saying it must be something to do with that particular action, that maybe having it so close to my head felt claustrophobic, maybe it was triggering something. Talking about it afterwards he reckoned it could just have been that I was working so hard to keep moving the bloody thing that there was no room for my usual emotional defences, so everything came spilling out.
Whatever the reason, it caught me completely off guard. I felt stripped bare. I was supposed to be going out with friends last night, but after all of that it felt safer to stay at home, stay with my family, and not expose myself to anything else (namely too much alcohol) that could trigger me again. I don’t currently trust myself to have enough self control to stop drinking before I get past the point of no return, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that had I gotten pissed last night on top of all that emotion, I would have come home and hurt myself. I’ve managed to more or less stop that the last couple of months, and I really don’t want to start again.
So now? Now I’m shattered, and I’m not sure which way is up. The idea that all this turmoil over the years – depression over and over again, borderline, self harm, a suicide attempt, all of the ridiculous tangle of emotion around Therapist 1.0…………..that it could all come back to something really small that happened a long time ago…………it’s simultaneously reassuring and terrifying. I have to be open to the possibility that everything I’ve been thinking the last few years, everything I thought I understood, was wrong. I don’t know how I feel about that.