I seem to have retreated back round the corner again. Fuck it. Trying very, very hard to ignore the little voice at the back of my head saying ‘told you this would happen!’ I feel like poo today. Guess what? Reality is a trigger for me. That’s more than a touch inconvenient. Hubby has been trying so hard to reassure me that anyone would have lost it with M last night – she could try the patience of a saint at times, never mind someone so emotionally………………volatile I think is the word I’m looking for. But I’m so disappointed. I really, genuinely thought (well, more hoped) that the few days of peace and quiet would stand me to. And I guess they did, because for those couple of days, it was so much easier to manage myself. But at the same time, therein lies the problem. The weekend, and then the subsequent temper flares since the lads got home, have just served to highlight what a state I’m in, and just how unsustainable it is for me to do everything that I need to do to keep myself balanced.
Caveat – it’s still withdrawal, right?? I haven’t quite hit the magic two week mark yet, so maybe it’s just another couple of days of this and then all will be well. It’s very, very hard work to remember that right now. I need to do some food shopping this morning. I’ve to get myself back down to my doctor to check in, and then into town to see Therapist. I haven’t even seen her yet and already I’m dreading getting through the next week without her. Mostly I’d like to retreat under the duvet and sleep, except I know that sleep won’t come (there was no 10 hour sleep marathon last night, I was back to frequent waking and bad dreams).
This honest to god feels like a merry-go-round that I just can’t get off. One with the little horses that go up and down. Mine are mostly down, they occasionally rear up in anger, less occasionally excitement, but more often than not they’re down and just going that little bit too fast to risk jumping off. I’ am utterly fed up with going around in circles.
|I feel as frantic as they look|