I seem to have retreated back round the corner again. Fuck it. Trying very, very hard to ignore the little voice at the back of my head saying ‘told you this would happen!’ I feel like poo today. Guess what? Reality is a trigger for me. That’s more than a touch inconvenient. Hubby has been trying so hard to reassure me that anyone would have lost it with M last night – she could try the patience of a saint at times, never mind someone so emotionally………………volatile I think is the word I’m looking for. But I’m so disappointed. I really, genuinely thought (well, more hoped) that the few days of peace and quiet would stand me to. And I guess they did, because for those couple of days, it was so much easier to manage myself. But at the same time, therein lies the problem. The weekend, and then the subsequent temper flares since the lads got home, have just served to highlight what a state I’m in, and just how unsustainable it is for me to do everything that I need to do to keep myself balanced.

Caveat – it’s still withdrawal, right?? I haven’t quite hit the magic two week mark yet, so maybe it’s just another couple of days of this and then all will be well. It’s very, very hard work to remember that right now. I need to do some food shopping this morning. I’ve to get myself back down to my doctor to check in, and then into town to see Therapist. I haven’t even seen her yet and already I’m dreading getting through the next week without her. Mostly I’d like to retreat under the duvet and sleep, except I know that sleep won’t come (there was no 10 hour sleep marathon last night, I was back to frequent waking and bad dreams).

This honest to god feels like a merry-go-round that I just can’t get off. One with the little horses that go up and down. Mine are mostly down, they occasionally rear up in anger, less occasionally excitement, but more often than not they’re down and just going that little bit too fast to risk jumping off. I’ am utterly fed up with going around in circles.

I feel as frantic as they look

This article has 8 Comments

  1. Stay strong,your doing brilliantly. Your right,your still in the early phase and things will improve again for you. Keep in mind the great weekend you had….and the many more that you will have. We are all behind you!

  2. Feeling well enough to cope with yourself is not the same as feeling well enough to cope with small kids (they try the patience of saints). It doesn't mean you've gone backwards. Good luck keeping it together until you see Therapist, as I'm sure she'll help. And no, it's not two weeks yet.

  3. You need to be in the full of your health to deal with kids Fiona, at the best of times they turn me into a banshee ! You are doing great and it is early days. This is not a step backwards, it is just a little shuffle to the side while you adjust. The weekend of peace will stand to you in the longrun, plan other moments of calm to look forward to. We are all rooting for you x

  4. Hi hope you are feeling better today, sunshine in Galway! Feel bad as have been following your blogs the past few weeks and havent added a comment to support you, while benefiting from your posts in my own situation…hopefully you are having a better day and it is tough with smallies…and balancing personal time etc..I have been off work for months at this stage and dont know how I'm going to go back….just about managing day to day with help of antid's and minding the smallies for the moment…wasnt conor cusack brill on Late Late? Big hugs and sunshine to you x

  5. Your doing so amazing with everything your doing. Read your interview in paper,amazing provides so much hope. Keep on keeping on,your really helping so many people- aswell as yourself!! Best of luck on tv ,will be sure to catch it

  6. Just seen you on Ireland am and looked up your blog. You are writing in words exactly how I am feeling. I've been suffering postnatal depression since my third son was born and he's 18 months now. Been through counselling and attended support group with irene and nurture. I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone at the moment, feel its all in my head and I have to deal with it myself. Don't know how I get up every morning! I admire you for doing this blog. It is a great support to know it's OK to share your thoughts and feelings.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *