I’m really struggling. I don’t know why. But I feel like I’m hanging on by a fast fraying rope and I don’t know how to make it better. Anger is coming back, the old pnd type anger. That scares me, and it scares Hubby. Already the reassurance of yesterday’s session has faded, and again I’m thinking that I need to stop working with Therapist. I can’t stop my mind from spinning. I want to be alone. I want to sleep, but I’m wired. Sure, I know things that will help, but I’m at the point of not being able to do them. I rang the hospital today to see if I could get an earlier appt with my psychiatrist (last saw her back in August and next appt isn’t till mid October). No chance. The only way I’ll see anyone sooner is a trip to A&E. And really, I’m not sure what she could do. More medication? We tried that, it didn’t work. Different medication? We tried that too, didn’t work. Counselling? Right now it doesn’t feel like enough.
I’m grasping at straws. I feel like I’m spinning out of control, and I desperately want to stop that spin. The only way to do that is keep moving, stop thinking. But so much of my day at the moment is spent at work, sitting, with my mind free to wander. And wander it does, but not to a good place.
I think I’m just going to go to bed and hope for a better frame of mind tomorrow.