I’ve just flicked back through the last 3 weeks of posts, and I can see a pattern. Kind of. If it were a graph I think it would look a little something like this:

T2 mood tracker – I was using it about this time last year

Thankfully, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was when I did the above, but there are definite ups and downs. That said, the gap between the downs is getting longer, and when I hit a down, it’s of a lesser duration, but my god is it intense while I’m there.

The last two days are a case in point. Do you know those images you see of clowns on unicycles balancing plates on long sticks? That’s what I’ve felt like, except the unicycle is wobbling all over the place, and the plates are teetering dangerously close to falling off. This morning, I felt deeply resentful of needing to keep all those plates up – the yoga, walking, therapy, medication, dbt, sleep, diet, routine – there’s a lot there. The temptation to feck the lot of them on the ground and walk away was very, very strong. I don’t want to have to keep up this effort. But what choice do I have? Even a few days of ignoring the routine, letting yoga slip, letting my sleep get erratic, have had a big impact. So much so, that I find myself desperate to hide away, and retreat to the safety of my bubble. (Just as a brief aside, there is one big change in the bubble scenario – before I would have wanted to be completely alone. Now, it’s the bubble of walks, baking and pottering I’ve had with the kids that I’m yearning for).

I mentioned last week the great gaping void that I touched on with Therapist. It’s still there, and I think it’s that feeling of falling into nothing that goes with these lows that scares me the most. It also comes up in a big way when I think of not seeing Therapist for longer than a week, so clearly the notion I had a few days ago of taking a long break has gone out the window. The low and the prospect of managing without her is a heady combination, and hit me with force today as it looked like we weren’t going to be able to schedule an appointment for next week. I felt sick. I was having difficulty breathing normally, over reacting to everything and my head felt like a pressure cooker. I changed plans with a friend because of how I was feeling, and was convinced, utterly and completely, that I had destroyed a really important friendship. Disordered thinking much?? Then I went into my DBT group, the final session. We were talking about setting goals, even small ones, and what we can do to help ourselves when these overwhelming emotions come along. My difficulty today was that although I technically know what I need to do, I hit a couple of hefty barriers:

  1. I don’t believe I have the time to sit down and work through these things as they happen (small people and introspection don’t go hand in hand)
  2. If I’m not able to meet even these small goals, then it’s my fault that I feel the way that I do……….
And so the cycle continues. Can you see why sometimes the plates feel like they’re spinning out of control??
Thankfully, I decided to go and talk to the friend I thought I’d so badly offended (big step, would have stewed over it for days if not longer a year ago). Things are totally fine, and in fact she understood so completely how I’m feeling that I came away feeling much more settled. I also managed to sort an appointment with Therapist for next week, the the relief that came with that is immeasurable, instant mood lift. So, good points – I’m ending the day feeling better than I started it, and was able to admit to feeling like poo. Bad points – I’m still very, very much at the mercy of my moods and heavily dependent on Therapist. But it’s all part of what I’ve got. I’m working on it. 

This article has 4 Comments

  1. Quick comment from hubby (as I'm being attacked by a cat) – he looked up from his work, read the words "spinning plates" saw a graph and thought I was reading an article about the science of spinning plates.

  2. OK, more considered comment, from me. This reminds me of when I was in labour with my eldest, I think maybe looking back on it I was in the transition phase. Anyway, I remember saying to my midwife that what I could really do with now was to stop for a bit and have a sleep and she said "that would be nice" – which I think was her sympathising with the feeling but we both knew it just wasn't going to happen. It was just a lot of hard work, and more hard work to follow and I just wanted a break from it but I couldn't.

    Sounds like that is the case for you, I mean, eating healthy food and walking the dogs and doing yoga – none of it on it's own is hard work when you're doing it, but having to do all of it all the time, that must take some effort, no wonder you want a break. So, I guess I want to say, " it would be nice if you could feck it all and stop all this effort". But then you'd loose this lovely precious summer with your two darling kids and be back in the horrors again – which you know of course.

    In the mean time, are you getting any "you time" at the moment? I mean, I know you don't feel you need to retreat, but could you get an hour to yourself at the weekend, or, controversial thought, get a babysitter and have some time with hubby one evening? I'm probably just transfering my own worries about my summer ahead – time out is the one thing I'm not sure where I'll get it.

    And if you do come across any scientific analysis on the spinning of plates, hubby would clearly be interested.

    1. I was definitely falling down a bit in making time to myself, but am trying a bit harder now. Today has been all about me – my mother in law took the kids for the day, so I've spent hours catching up on stuff that's been hanging over me for way too long. Restful? No. But I feel so much better for it!
      And you're right, saying feck it all and smashing the plates would only make things infinitely worse, so I won't.
      x

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