I saw Therapist today. I didn’t cry, or shake (well, much) and I was able to keep eye contact. Things are changing, the last couple of weeks have definitely been different. She can see a big change in me too, apparently she’s never seen me like this before. Resilient. Grounded. In control of what I’ve got. In good form, but without the slightly manic edge that comes with anxiety, or the hyper edge that comes with tiredness and a whizzy brain. It feels really, really good. I’m not sure what’s caused this shift. Medication? Running? Inordinate amounts of vitamins?! Or am I finally, finally getting to grips with handling bpd? To be honest, I don’t think it really matters, what matters is I feel as with it as I have done in a very, very long time. The little voice that wants to tell me this is only temporary is trying hard to be heard, but really, I’m not inclined to listen right now.
I’ve been looking back on what I was writing about this time last year. I wasn’t really in an awesome head space. I was coming off the back off a trial off meds, and then onto a new one. I was struggling, really really struggling, and so angry because of that. All the attachment/transference issues over Therapist were in full flight. And at the time, I still didn’t know about bpd. So, in short, this time last year I was on meds that weren’t working, a lot of my behaviour was beyond my understanding and things were just bloody hard.
And now? Now I feel like I might, just maybe, be at the start of a new chapter. My writing the last while has been very reflective of events in the past, but in a way that allows me to see these things in a whole new light. That’s very new, and very different (I’m not sure what’s inspired me to take this backward look), but with it is coming a really big measure of relief. There is a reason for why I acted and felt like I did. I could feel hard done by about it, but that won’t change anything. Instead, I’m going to try and be proud of myself for functioning at all when the odds were so very stacked against me. Maybe what all this hindsight is doing is giving me a chance to rewrite history a little. I already know just how very skewed my perspective has been for most of my life, but maybe if I can start to see things for what they really were, I can start to forgive myself?