There are a few things that are really important for me to remember. Top of that list, by a country mile, is that when I’m tired, I cannot trust my thoughts. Worthy of repeating. I CANNOT trust my thoughts. Tiredness skews perspective for most people at the best of times, for me, it’s turns reality entirely on it’s head. It creeps up slowly. I won’t really notice that I’m tired (anyone out there with small people will recognise that one. It becomes a state of being so that really, it’s only when you’re about to drop from exhaustion that you might think, ‘hmm, feel a little tired’) And that’s when it’s dangerous. At ordinary tired – you know, end of the day, sit down to watch something mindless before bed, it’s not too bad. It’s when it’s more than ordinary tired.
The biggest thing that comes up for me at crazy tired is that I’m over reliant on Therapist and I should stop seeing her. Have you ever heard of transference? It’s a complex one, and there are a few definitions, but in a nutshell, it’s the unconscious redirection of feelings, typically from your past, on to your therapist, ie, you may unconsciously see them as your mother, and act accordingly. It usually means that the therapeutic relationship is very strong, that there’s trust between client and therapist, and the transference allows deep rooted issues to be addressed. It can also feel incredibly uncomfortable, as it can cause clients to think about their therapist in a seemingly inappropriate way.
So how does this manifest for me? Well, as I said, I start to believe that I’m over reliant on Therapist. We’ve worked together for years, and she has helped me through some incredibly tough times, times when I really did feel like there was no hope or future for me, so it’s natural and normal that I feel quite attached to her. I also find it intensely uncomfortable to feel this attachment, because I know that at the end of the day, she is my therapist, not my friend, that she is simply doing her job, and that when we’re done, we’re done. This is a good thing. It means boundaries are intact and that we are making progress. When I’m well, I know this is how it needs to be, and I really appreciate it. When I’m not well, I resent that I can’t talk to her whenever I want, then feel guilty for feeling this resentment, then think I’m really weird for wanting to talk to her outside of our sessions, then decide I’m too attached to her and that really, the only option is to walk away. Phew! So you can see how quickly it all spirals, and how dangerous it could be. All from something as simple as being over tired.
So, what’s my note to self for today? Don’t listen to me when I’m tired. For now, and for the foreseeable future, I need Therapist’s support. Things are still in the settling phase, I’m still waiting for meds to be right, and I’m only just back to work. We keep talking about pushing out the windows between episodes, and how I need to demonstrate stability for a few months before anything can change. Right now I’m doing well to demonstrate stability for more than a few days. The very fact that tiredness can lead me the kind of merry dance I’ve described above is evidence of that. Today, I feel good. I had a decent night’s sleep, the sun is out (still!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it’s the weekend. Yesterday, not so good. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. It’s all an adventure!!