Day 3 sans anti depressants. So far so good! Well mostly good. Emotionally I’m doing great, there’s been no fallout to speak of. Physically things have been less pretty.

  • brain zaps (I can hear my eyes move if I turn my head too quickly)
  • dizzy
  • incredibly distracted
  • occasional headaches
  • flashing hot and cold
  • messed up dreams
  • frequent trips to the loo (apologies for the TMI)
  • crashed in a heap of exhaustion yesterday evening
But, physical side effects I can handle. They’ll pass, and there are things I can do to manage them. Not moving my head so quick for starters! If anything my mood is better than it has been in a while. I do need to be careful of that, I’ve been warned that elation can happen as much as a crash, but again, I’m aware of it when I get giggly, so I can keep it in check. I’m hopeful that if you didn’t know me well, you wouldn’t notice any great difference in me (on the off chance that you’ve seen/spoken to me and disagree with this statement, please, please tell me!!)
Therapist is away this week so I saw someone else in her absence. I’ve worked with him a couple of times before when she’s been away, but haven’t seen him since the summer, and he was able to see a marked improvement in me since then, which is very reassuring. He also reminded me of a few things that might be worth remembering over the next few days – stay in the moment being the key one. 
same goes for looking forward!
He cautioned against fixating too much on how I’m feeling, or watching too closely how I’m doing, because everyone has peaks and troughs of mood, and that’s ok. It’s when either lasts for days, moving into weeks, that I should start being concerned. I mentioned my mood tracker app – he advised that rather than looking for a pattern in the peaks and troughs, I should look at the median week by week and see if there is any consistency there. It makes sense.
I also met the mental health nurse who works with my psychiatrist. He wasn’t over the moon about my decision, but didn’t try to change my mind which I appreciate. Again, with provisos – I need to check back in with him regularly for the next few weeks, and if I bottom out or need peeling off the ceiling, I’ve to contact either him or my GP straight away. In terms of looking after myself, he didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know – get enough sleep, regular exercise, socialise, and take time out if I need. He also said something that surprised me, but in a way gave me hope that this whole endeavour will work out – medication is only 10% of treatment, the rest is what I do to manage myself. 
So how do I feel after all of this? To be honest, right now, as I write this, I’m beyond distracted. Ideally I would be taking tomorrow off, I’m no use to anyone right now and could do with being in a quiet environment where I can keep myself calm. In fact, maybe I’ll do just that. I’m hopeful that the worst of the physical side of this will have passed by next week because it is pretty unsettling. At the moment I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting to see how this will turn out, and that until I’m over this withdrawal phase, I just don’t know how I’m going to be. But I’m staying optimistic. I’m wired, scatty, distracted, but most importantly……….

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  1. I completely agree with what the therapist said: better not watch yourself too closely and wait for the slightest change to occur, I think that doesn't really help much. Mood changes can have so many reasons and might often be pretty healthy ("normal" people have them, too), medication might explain some of it, but from my experience I would say they rather influence the big picture, if at all, and not day-to-day ups and downs. So try to let go! 😉

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