It takes me over. I stand in front of the mirror and I don’t see myself any more. I see someone I hate, someone weak, someone I want to hurt. I feel trapped, powerless, out of control. I can’t seperate out the thoughts in my mind, there’s just noise. I don’t know what I’m thinking. The only thing that comes through clearly is how much I want to hurt this person. But I can’t even do that, because much and all as I want to deny it, hurting her, hurting me, will have massive, long lasting repercussions.
I don’t want to hear that it will pass. I don’t want to hear that this is textbook bpd. Right now, in this moment, this is real and it’s unbearable. I’m scared of everything, and I’m angry at how scared I am, how powerless I am to make it better. I have all these plans, but they’re all dependant on something else that’s out of my control, that I cannot fix. I feel like no matter which way I turn, no matter how hard I try, I’m trapped.
Hubby told me to write it all down, write exactly how I feel, get it out of my head. I’m trying, but I don’t know how I feel. I feel too many things at once – lost, alone, lonely, sad, angry, frustrated, powerless, trapped………how am I supposed to reconcile all those things with words? Make sense of it? There aren’t words big enough to describe this chaos.
I know it will pass. I also know it will come back. Again and again and again I’m going to keep repeating this pattern. Today was good, tonight was horrible. Tomorrow? I’m struggling to keep up with me and I so badly miss having someone to talk to.