I’ve been hiding from the blog the last week. I still don’t know if I want to continue with it, and I’m all but completely overwhelmed with the volume of work I have going on – with my actual real job at work, with Please Talk and all that it entails above and beyond work, with my kids, with my life………….it’s not spectacular. A phrase has been coming to mind the last while, another of the joys of bpd – self sabotage. So I turned to google, and I found this:

‘People with borderline are unstable. It’s impossible to predict which way the wind will blow when you’re in a relationship with a borderline person. Moodiness, impulsivity, instability, unpredictability, ill-temperedness, extreme emotional reactions, and high emotional sensitivity are the norm, and all of these combine to create emotional and situational chaos. One moment, all may be well and nothing is wrong in the world, and the next moment, everything is falling to pieces and can never be fixed. There is no middle ground, and situations are either perfectly perfect or horribly horrible. Because there is no middle ground, instead of moving slowly from feeling good to feeling not quite so good, minor events cause the person with BPD to switch instantaneously from feeling irrationally fantastic to irrationally terrible. Those in relationships often feel desperately needed, then desperately hated for not attending to those needs sufficiently or quickly enough…………………….People with Borderline Personality Disorder are tiring and frustrating to be around. You may find yourself dreading spending time with them, feeling wrung out after contact, and relieved to have gotten time away. When in the presence of people with BPD, it’s not uncommon to feel drained, pulled upon, tired, withdrawn in frustration, stressed, confused, annoyed or driven to distraction. People who have been in relationships with BPD individuals have described a feeling of being drawn into a vortex of emotional chaos, unreasonability and impossible expectations.’*

Ouch. And all true. 
Then this, written by someone who has borderline:
the ‘deliberateness’ that self-awareness prompts………… is leading to self-sabotaging behaviour… I need to stop it NOW but there is that bit (that is winning at the moment) that is in self-hatred mode and so I am currently not caring that I am self-sabotaging, if anything I am rejoicing in the fact that if I don’t stop it soon I am going to fail horrifically – but I deserve it!’**

Also ouch.
I need to get my act together or I’m headed for trouble, big time. Only problem is, there’s a part of me, a big part of me, like the blogger above, that is absolutely rejoicing in the prospect of the mess I’m headed for. If that’s not completely fucked up then I don’t know what is. 

This article has 10 Comments

  1. Hey there

    A few of your recent posts have struck my recognition bells like Big Ben, particularly this one. I left behind my therapist of 2 years earlier this week. With her blessing. She was fantastic and helped me weather traumatic bullying and targetting at work, followed by trying to represent myself against the State.

    The weekly hour I spent in her converted room at the top of a big house was my 'safe place'. I think over the 2 years I left everything in that room. Metaphorical blood on the wall, tears, fears, darkness, with the occasional outbreak of minor hope. I finally felt talked out. Naked, but in an open, human, theraputic understood way.

    I always felt the weight on my shoulder in therapy was that they cannot fix a single thing. You come into the room at first with your personal bag of shite. You lay it all out gradually, pick, prod, mine and look for patterns, hooks, footholds. Anything to feel some kind of peace of mind. But no magic wands or silver bullets exist, which is understandable. But I am tired of that realisation. You are as you feel as you are.

    And most recently I feared that danger, that I was addicted. That therapy is a boon, a crutch. A different place in time and space where you can be totally yourself. Nothing is limitted. I could live in her magic room forever. Listened to, validated, understood. And yet, each time I left the magic room to go home in the pissings of rain, the ready-brek glow would subside. And I would spend the next week planning all things I was going to tell her, talk about, just allow out of my head. And as usual not living in the moment. More detached and isolated from my wonderfully patient family.

    I only moved because I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT is suggested for learning to live with BPD and distress. I felt I needed change to survive. To get out of self sabotaging habits. I was lucky to find a place with a new DBT project. Monday was the first night with new counsellor. And how did it go….it went…

    Dreadful. I was given wrong address so bad start. Standing at wrong door in snow gave me an ominous feeling. Then new therapist was much younger than me. A bit of a clock watcher. Nice person. But I got that feeling I can never resist….this feels wrong…why did I do this…why can't I find healing with old therapist…will snow be gone at end…

    So today I have pulled the plug on the planned 9 months of DBT. It just didn't feel right. And I was convinced it could and would. Haven't told wifey yet. It will be the 184th time I have started something with a wave of Icarus like enthusiasm, and quickly come crashing to an earth I hate. If I like something I want to love it to extremes, to get validated by others. To feel a glow of empathy from others. I crowd please like a demented seal.

    I stick at nothing. Nothing can fill the hole of nothingness. In that zone, self-sabotage is like a cracked mirror. I usually don't feel responsible. I didn't sabotage it, it was him, your man hiding behind the mirror. Self loathing and soul sickness climb under the duvet.

    Next self sabotage is my effort to start a new blog linked to FB and Twitter. I really see the theraputic benefit of the words on page, ideas generated, hopes nourished. But then I count the likes and views and realise that virtual world exists fine without my input. As it should. But in my state of extremes if I don't feel love I feel hate. Without warm glows I freeze. New directions and creative pursuits feel dead in the water. Like my DBT journey.

    It's hard enough at the best of times to feel you are making progress with your demons, obsessions, faults, emotional instability, neediness. Without the feeling that if you were at the gates of heaven, you would tell St Peter to shove it up his high hole, and run run away endlessly from Lucifer and his gang.

    I am lucky(?) enough to still feel like I can keep it going. Somehow. Present a face most of the time. I do it for my family.

  2. "Only problem is, there's a part of me, a big part of me, like the blogger above, that is absolutely rejoicing in the prospect of the mess I'm headed for." … WOW… I remember feeling this way when I failed a course in nursing school. The pressure was unbearable. To make matters worse, I always compared myself to the other students in my class and thought that they expected me to fail and that my professors hated me. But when that class was over, I was so relieved wven though I would have to endure again the next semester.

    I encourage you to keep writing… even if it's a blurb here or a blurb there. I think you're doing great! Have you thought about adding a twitter feed to your blog? Tweets will not only keep your readers in the loop but it allows you to let off a bit of steam in 140 characters or less when you don't feel up to writing an entire post 🙂

  3. hi sunnyscattered- i'm not sure if my comment went through but is awaiting your moderation or whatever. but if it didn't, i want to wish all the best to you. i am sure you are a wonderful human being.

  4. So being a fellow BPD sufferer with Eastern Roots I can call it-"the self-sabotage" – an "illusion of one's mind", if we do not get the love, validation, companionship, acceptance from one person/place/job/dbtgroup, our mind tricks us to switch gears/change direction/change appearance/fail deliberately….the mind is ever changing with thoughts flowing from the highest point to the lowest I.e. seeking the easiest path to flow…and in our case it's is our path to self-destruction….Instead of beating ourselves up about this observed tendency, we must acknowledge that we are creative problem solvers who think outside the box…regardless of the ineffective results we night have produced in the past…..our main aim is to be loved unconditionally…..we would never hurt anyone as much as it hurts inside us….only when our pain is intolerable does it show out in the open like the tip of the iceberg….and when we realize that even that tip scares off people we deeply care about….we are terrified of rejection or abandonment if they were to see the whole ice berg in it's entirety…..so recognize the compassion, empathy in your own character……recognize the good in you as you would if you had a child recently diagnosed with BPD and focus only on that good (sensitive, emotional, honest though brutally, seeking unconditional validation and love, like a toddlers learning to walk and stumbling many times because your mother was perhaps lame to show you how to walk and others don't get it why walking is so hard for you)….ask God or any spiritual power that you believe in to shine light on the good parts of you and they will magnify….and in our case since we are so mutable and highly sensitive we are so much more receptive and likely to be influenced by "Good" capable of change than an average person…. it takes a whole lot more courage & strength for us to get through our one day than it does an average person……to reinvent ourselves time and time again….so let's applaud that strength and creativity…..maybe nursing is not for you but writing is….maybe that jobs not for me and my marriage is…..only time will tell….I chalk it up to Karma, I am working to undo the wrongs I have done in this life or any of my past lives in order to have manifested BPD in my life….how do I do this? For every 10 wrong things I feel I've done, I try to do 20 good deeds like volunteering, paying it forward etc and since I usually wrong myself more than anyone else I have adopted my inner child and am going to raise her like I would have wanted my parents to have raised her…joining art class next week…so let's all heal and get stronger together….Hugs and Unconditional Love, YoursTruly

  5. My god, this is my life.
    I am a writer and my deadline was, erm, four days ago. I have just a little bit left before sending my work back to my editor and I. . . Can. Not. Force. Myself. To. Write. And part of me is secretly, or not so secretly, rejoicing at the fact that this (not finishing the novel I’ve been working on for the last two years) will prove all my naysayers right. That they’ll waggle their judgey fingers at me, tell me they told me so, and I can collapse in a puddle of snot and tears and quietly revel at the thought that now I can be the victim of their blamey blaming and quietly seethe that the *made* me stop writing with their quiet resentment.
    What even?
    Why am I so fucked up?

    1. It’s such a mess , isn’t it? I so, so get where you’re coming from, I’m in a variation of the same situation right now. Decision has to be made, I want one outcome, someone else wants another. I think mine is for the best, but am afraid to push for it because if it doesn’t work out it will be all my fault. Enter guilt and shame spiral………….fs. Hope you manage to get finished. Please don’t let bpd waste two years of effort for you x

  6. I think ALL OF this comes from an abusive childhood. Once I went through my childhood with a fine tooth comb I became much better. Sexual abuse 6 to 12, classic disassociation as I “forgot.” I did get to have it out with my abuser, so that was good. Felt good anyway.

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