I had a session with Therapist 2.0 earlier today and recorded this video as soon as I got back to the car. Right now I’m not sure why, but at the time it seemed really important.

I think it was that I wanted to show you how physically and mentally draining a tough session can be. I thought about not posting it because I don’t want to scare people away from therapy, but at the same time, there’s no point in going in to therapy thinking it’s going to be a cake walk- if it was it would either mean it’s not working or it’s not necessary. Today it mostly involved a lot of snot and tears.

Anyway, the source of the snot and tears is that we spent quite a bit of time looking at my relationship with Therapist 1.0, including trying an exercise to get me to actually feel what I’m feeling about her. I lasted about two minutes before it got too much and we had to stop. She talked about trying radical acceptance (that’s a dbt skill) around the whole situation, as in, accept the situation and what I’m feeling about it and, and allow myself to feel it rather than trying to push it away. I’m doing so well with radically accepting other things – I’m letting anxiety happen, I’m noticing when I’m getting angry, I’m not letting situations that are out of my control overwhelm me – but this? This is different. I’m not sure how to sit with this one because it takes me over. I do get that it’s not her, it’s what I wanted from her, but as yet I cannot separate the two. Any words that I use to try and describe it won’t get to the depth of feeling because they’re not strong enough. It’s just horrible – gut wrenching, overwhelming and exhausting.

Today was the first time I’ve come home from a session with Therapist 2.0 and felt the weight of the work I have yet to do. My daily maintenance plan feels insurmountable, and the things I need to do around that as well – kids, house, life in general? Right now, too much. I’m in that spot where my mind is so full and racing so fast that I actually can’t think what it is I want to do, never mind what I might need to do. WRAP tells me writing is one of the things that will help, which is why I’m doing this now. Ideally I’d spend a while doing yoga or go for a long walk in Connemara with the camera, but I’ve to go get the kids so that’s not going to work. Instead I’ll settle for 3 minutes soothing rhythm breathing, and when himself gets home I’ll walk the dogs. Other than that it’ll have to be an early night and hope for sleep, despite the fact that what I really want is a kebab the size of my face and a six pack. This self compassion lark is hard work.

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