I seem to be almost completely incapable of looking after myself properly at the moment. I realise that sounds a tad on the melodramatic side, but there are things I could be doing that would be making life a whole lot better for me right now. It’s like a mantra at this stage – walk, run, yoga, diet, sleep, meditation – I could recite this list backwards in my sleep, feck it, I’m sure most of you could at this stage I’ve said it so often. So why can’t I do it? Any of it???

It’s frustrating as hell. I mentioned over on facebook the other day that I’m disgusted with myself for a couple of reasons – one, my complete lack of running since the debacle that was the Roundstone 8k a couple of months back, and two, the stone and half in weight I’ve gained since starting my current combination of meds. I realise how trite this sounds, I really do, first world problem in the extreme. But I am genuinely disgusted with myself. Physically I feel horrible – bloated, weighed down, clumsy, completely disconnected from my body, and emotionally I feel like I’ve really let myself down, yet again. Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I get it together? I manage in bursts, and then I lose it. I get into a routine, but then I lose it. I convince myself that giving in to the (I want to say occasional but we all know that’s a crock of poo) chocolate/chinese/takeaway cravings is being nice to myself, that the extra few minutes in bed will really make me a much nicer mammy because I’ll be so much more rested, that skipping yoga in favour of faffing about online or sitting on the sofa is giving myself a break……………..but it’s all horse-shit. It’s the Blerch.

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I’m in a rut. I’m very, very tired. I’ve had a couple of nights of extremely disrupted sleep, resulting in burny eyed-unable to complete sentences-extremely short fuse-type tiredness. It hasn’t been pretty. I’ve had some fairly intense bursts of anger, and have hit myself more than once. A couple of times now I’ve resorted to extra medication to calm me down. This isn’t good. I need something to kick start me back into motivation, but I don’t know what that something is. I have less than 3 weeks leave left now, and I really don’t want to go back to work. I don’t even want to leave the bubble that is Oughterard to be honest. I had such high hopes of myself for this time off – I was going to be up and out every morning, for either a run or yoga. Needless to say neither has happened.

So how do I pull it back? Again? I don’t know, but I need to figure it out, because right now my Blerch and Bitchface are definitely winning – he wants me to stop, she berates me for it. Heady combination. Tomorrow is my last session with Therapist for 5 weeks, and despite all my assertions of not needing her anymore, the thought of being without her support for 5 full weeks is terrifying. I can’t try everything together, it’s too much. But I need to make a start. Fuck it. Sleep. I need sleep. I’ve lost perspective and am seeing everything through a myriad of bpd filters. Everything else will have to wait now.

This article has 6 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. I relate to your posts… Can't sleep at the moment either and have a child to look after with no support. Tomorrow will be difficult! I feel like I'm loosing the plot. Did something very stupid yesterday, irrational, paranoid. Never felt so scared of having uncontrollable behavior before. You are so lucky to have friends and family to support you.

  2. I commented last night but didn't post I hope you got some sleep and good sleep not the crappy tossing turning half awake in and out sleep. It's really hard to get out of a rut, some days I just don't even manage to get dressed, but hard as it is sometimes you have to force yourself to so something, anything, even if it's something small.. Hope you have a good day today x

  3. You know that old saying – every journey begins with the first step? Stop trying to do everything and start small – a few minutes of mindfulness practice at some time during the day for example. Or designate a room where you will use your laptop – don't bring it to bed with you. Also, the weight thing. Just cut out one thing that you know you can eat less of or substitute with a healthier food. But the biggest thing of all – STOP beating yourself up! Treat yourself as if you are your own best friend. Your best friend wouldn't look at you and say Oh My God you look so fat! Yet, we look in the mirror and talk to ourselves as if we were dirt. Be kind to yourself. As kind as you would be to other people. You're doing great.

    1. Thank you. I've been doing a small bit of yoga the last few days and it's helping. I'm less concerned about my weight as well when I feel like I'm doing something that's good for me. I'm getting there!

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