I seem to be almost completely incapable of looking after myself properly at the moment. I realise that sounds a tad on the melodramatic side, but there are things I could be doing that would be making life a whole lot better for me right now. It’s like a mantra at this stage – walk, run, yoga, diet, sleep, meditation – I could recite this list backwards in my sleep, feck it, I’m sure most of you could at this stage I’ve said it so often. So why can’t I do it? Any of it???
It’s frustrating as hell. I mentioned over on facebook the other day that I’m disgusted with myself for a couple of reasons – one, my complete lack of running since the debacle that was the Roundstone 8k a couple of months back, and two, the stone and half in weight I’ve gained since starting my current combination of meds. I realise how trite this sounds, I really do, first world problem in the extreme. But I am genuinely disgusted with myself. Physically I feel horrible – bloated, weighed down, clumsy, completely disconnected from my body, and emotionally I feel like I’ve really let myself down, yet again. Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I get it together? I manage in bursts, and then I lose it. I get into a routine, but then I lose it. I convince myself that giving in to the (I want to say occasional but we all know that’s a crock of poo) chocolate/chinese/takeaway cravings is being nice to myself, that the extra few minutes in bed will really make me a much nicer mammy because I’ll be so much more rested, that skipping yoga in favour of faffing about online or sitting on the sofa is giving myself a break……………..but it’s all horse-shit. It’s the Blerch.
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I’m in a rut. I’m very, very tired. I’ve had a couple of nights of extremely disrupted sleep, resulting in burny eyed-unable to complete sentences-extremely short fuse-type tiredness. It hasn’t been pretty. I’ve had some fairly intense bursts of anger, and have hit myself more than once. A couple of times now I’ve resorted to extra medication to calm me down. This isn’t good. I need something to kick start me back into motivation, but I don’t know what that something is. I have less than 3 weeks leave left now, and I really don’t want to go back to work. I don’t even want to leave the bubble that is Oughterard to be honest. I had such high hopes of myself for this time off – I was going to be up and out every morning, for either a run or yoga. Needless to say neither has happened.
So how do I pull it back? Again? I don’t know, but I need to figure it out, because right now my Blerch and Bitchface are definitely winning – he wants me to stop, she berates me for it. Heady combination. Tomorrow is my last session with Therapist for 5 weeks, and despite all my assertions of not needing her anymore, the thought of being without her support for 5 full weeks is terrifying. I can’t try everything together, it’s too much. But I need to make a start. Fuck it. Sleep. I need sleep. I’ve lost perspective and am seeing everything through a myriad of bpd filters. Everything else will have to wait now.