The up didn’t last long 🙁
I saw DBT Therapist yesterday, we did another two hour session. We’re still in the assessment stage, she’s working on figuring out what my coping strategies are (perhaps unsurprisingly they’re remarkably unhelpful), and now that we’ve made some progress with that, I’ve to start looking at the unintended consequences of these strategies. It’s hard to to describe how I felt during and since that session, particularly as I’m still having to think on it so all the unease is really lingering. She asked me so many questions that I can’t answer because I can’t remember, and that is frustrating the hell out of me. It’s as if the knowledge is there, I can feel it, but it’s behind a really, really high wall and right now I cannot see over it. You know when you’re trying to think of a word, it’s on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t get it? It feels like that. Does that make any sense at all?
I feel really, really low today, really stuck. I don’t know where to put myself or what to do. Literally. I spent the best part of half an hour just sitting on my bed trying to figure out what to do, and got as far as putting on comfy clothes. There is so much I could be doing, stuff that two days ago I would have done no bother at all. But today I just can’t. I get that this is all part of the process, that there is bound to be a fallout from these sessions. It’s bloody hard to take though!!
I should be practicing self compassion, self care. But I can’t because right now, self care feels like self indulgence, and doing something that’s just for me? Well that’s pure selfish. In fact, even taking the time to write this post is selfish, self pitying. The kids are watching tv. That pretty much makes me the worst mother in the world, right? FFS!!! I get that I’m on the edge of a spiral. Actually probably well over the edge at this point. I couldn’t breathe yesterday, tried taking some space, tried a walk, eventually resorted to anti anxiety meds and subsequently alcohol (although not much of either, just enough to take the edge off). There’s nothing to take the edge off today, just a constant, relentless berating of myself for absolutely everything I do (or don’t do as the case may be).
I’ve got a regular slot with DBT Therapist now, starting tomorrow. I would love to think that this is going to be a quick fix, but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to have to accept feeling worse for a while before I start feeling better. I know better will come, right now though I’d like to just skip to the end without having to put in the work. I really, really don’t like feeling like this.
Ok, something has to change, I can’t stay like this for the evening. What’s the least thing I can do to make myself feel better? Actually, this has helped. Writing, getting it out of my system, has helped. I still feel grotty, but I’m a little less frustrated with myself, so I might just manage to relax with the kids for the evening. And I have someone to talk this all through with tomorrow, which is awesome. I’ll be ok.