I have no idea whether I’m coming or going. The last time I wrote I was in the horrors, totally and completely, and had been for the best part of two weeks. Today? Today I bounced out of bed (well, was dragged a little reluctantly by my kids at an ungodly hour this morning) after not enough sleep, and have had the most productive day I’ve had in a long time. I don’t understand where I’m at. I seem to be at the mercy of moods that I can’t control, and while I’m really pleased to have had such a positive, productive day, I feel like the clouds are hovering just out of eye-shot and will come down again at a moment’s notice.
I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. As Hubby wasn’t able to come with me I’d asked him to write a few notes about his perception of how things are going – on Thursday I was still feeling pretty low and I’m never able to articulate myself properly when I’m in that frame of mind, so having these notes was really helpful. They’re a little at sea with me and why nothing seems to be particularly effective, or else effective but short lived. They’ve recommended getting a second opinion in January as well as a visit to the hospital psychologist, so I’ll do that. There was talk of alternative diagnoses, but nothing concrete. So for now, I just keep going as I have been and see what happens.
Despite the positivity of today, I’m frustrated by this. To be honest, I think this is the first chance I’ve really had to consider it at all. I feel as though I’m taking medication for forms sake, that it’s better to do something than do nothing. But I’m far from convinced that they’re working for me. I know I was determined not to regret going back on the meds after my short lived attempt at stopping, but now I find myself questioning that decision. What if everything I was feeling really was withdrawal? What if I’d just been able to weather the storm for another week or two? Would everything be ok now? And if the medication I’m taking right now isn’t right for me, then how do I know that it isn’t in fact having adverse effects?
I feel like I don’t know myself. I don’t know what’s my own reaction, what’s tempered by medication, if what I feel is how I am, or if what I feel is dulled by drugs. I’ve tried so many different medications over the last almost two years, that I can’t help but wonder how this may have effected my thinking, and whether or not it would be fair to ask for a break to see how I really am without. I feel like we need to start again, from a clean slate and a clear picture of how I’m doing. Right now it all feels like guesswork.
But, I promise, I will make no rash decisions. I will discuss all of this with my doctor, although I suspect I already know the answer. But I have to ask the questions. Now that I’ve finally stopped moving I’m really tired. I hope my kids sleep tonight. I hope I sleep tonight.