Yesterday turned out to be a very strange day. I hadn’t intended to dwell on my ‘anniversary’ but as the day went on it got harder not to, especially when I went out for a walk and found myself (completely subconsciously) retracing the steps I had taken last year. Talking about it at Eden yesterday, writing about it, reading back on some of what I had written at the time………it made it all very real and very present again. I reread the post about my first session with Therapist 1.0 after the fact. I’d forgotten most of what she said, but reading it made all that feeling very much alive again – the anger, the frustration, the overwhelming sense of heartbreak, regret, rejection and abandonment as the implications of what I had done slowly dawned on me. It occurred to me what an impossible position I had put her in, and the huge weight of responsibility I asked her to carry. I had come to view her as being the absolute only one who could help me. Not hubby, not my family, not my friends, certainly not me – her, and her alone. Not only was that how I saw her, it was what I desperately wanted, and I wanted it so badly I was unable to do anything for myself. In fact, I wanted it so badly that my efforts to get her attention were getting way, way out of hand.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I can see all this now. I can also see how easy it would be to get caught up in thinking about all of this again, and thanks to Therapist 2.0, I know exactly the impact that will have on how I feel, the impact it’s already having. Last night was the first time in weeks that I’ve felt the urge to hurt myself and to contact Therapist 1.0. I wanted to tell her how sorry I am for the pressure I must have put her under, how I understand now that it was an impossible situation. It must have taken incredible courage on her part to follow through with the decision to finish working with me, especially as she would have known exactly how that would make me feel, and the risk of what I might do.
Thankfully, I managed to get myself over both urges and in to bed. I didn’t hurt myself, and I didn’t contact her. The temptation is still there, but I know I won’t follow through because it will achieve absolutely nothing. In fact, it would be worse than nothing because the inevitable lack of response would set me back weeks. I can’t do that to myself, not again. I don’t deserve it, and neither does she. It’s only now that I’m starting to be able to recognise that this must have been a difficult time for her too, albeit in a different way. Contacting her not only opens it up for me again, it does the same for her.
Today’s job is going to be simple, but challenging. I cannot let myself give too much thought to all this, because it will drag me firmly back there. I don’t want to be there any more, I don’t need to be there any more. Things are changing quite dramatically at the moment and the last thing I want to do is jeapordise that. Writing this has helped a lot. Knowing what I now know thanks to Therapist 2.0 is helping a lot. When I’m finished writing this I’m going to go and do some yoga because my back is killing me, and then I’m going to go catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in forever. I’m going to stay in the here and now. It’s safe here. I’m safe here.