I think I know why things got so complicated for me, why I got depressed over and over again, why I eventually starting displaying all the symptoms that are known as borderline personality disorder. (My brain is running away here with me a bit so you’ll have to forgive me if this doesn’t make sense yet). The last couple of weeks, through the work I’m doing with Therapist 3.0, have been phenomenal. The only way I can think to describe it is that I feel like I’m awake, properly, for the first time in my life. Up till now, there have been two driving forces fighting in me – the conscious me, and the unconscious me. Let’s call the conscious version Fiona, and the unconscious one Fi.

Fiona has spent her entire life trying to do what she thought was the ‘right’ thing, trying to follow the ‘right’ path. She refused point blank to listen to Fi. She didn’t particularly like Fi, because this version of me is the one that’s a little bit different, the one that doesn’t quite fit. Here’s the thing though. Fi fits perfectly. All (!!!!) Fiona had to do was learn to be quiet, and actually listen. This is what 3.0 has been trying to get across to me, and what is finally sinking in. Fiona can’t fix depression or borderline, because those diagnoses are not the problems that need fixing. They’re the manifestation of Fi, trying hard to tell me what’s wrong, and Fiona, ignoring her. I bet if I were to look back over the last three, almost four years of writing, I’d be able to spot which posts Fiona wrote, and which ones Fi wrote.

It’s Fi who has the insight. This is such a hard idea to explain!!! What I’ve noticed the last couple of weeks is that my usual distraction tactics, while helpful to an extent, leave me exhausted. The one thing that’s been missing, right the way along, is space for Fi. Fiona knows that yoga helps, that walking helps, that writing helps, that all the other little tricks I have help. But what Fi needs most is space, time, peace and above all, quiet. No distractions – no TV, phone, music, people – just quiet.

Yesterday I didn’t have that quiet. I had a really lovely day – I spent a few hours in town by myself, I took off with the camera for an hour, and in between I was Mammy. But by the time the kids went to bed I felt like my head was going to burst, and something occurred to me. The one thing I didn’t have in my day yesterday, was absolute quiet. I almost got there when I went out with the camera, but at the back of my mind I was thinking of dinner, of what needed doing at home. When the house finally did go quiet, it was delightful.

So this morning, I got up early. I made tea. And I sat. Within minutes, Fiona went quiet and Fi took over. I realise how completely cracked this must sound, and I’m working it out as I go along, but for me, finally, things make sense. We carry around this organ, this brain, that we know nothing about. We carry around a sense of who we are, but in my case at least, it’s constantly fighting with who we actually are. I can’t change who I am, but I can stop fighting with myself. That’s the essence of what Fi has been trying to tell Fiona, and the harder Fiona ignored her, the worse the problems got. In the end, the only way Fi had of telling Fiona what was wrong was to stop me functioning entirely – enter depression and bpd.

Fiona isn’t a blogger or someone with an eye for a photo. That’s Fi. When Fiona tries to take control, it doesn’t work out, because she’s forcing a result. But when she takes a step back?

My brain feels like it’s kicked up about 5 gears, and I love what it’s showing me. I don’t need to be trying so hard, in fact, I don’t need to try at all. I just need to give Fi the space she’s been so desperately asking for all of these years. She knows what to do.

 

 

This article has 5 Comments

  1. Oh my god, this makes so much sense to me and I am understanding that maybe that’s Wer I have been goin wrong too?? I also try to live by the book or do Wat u think is ‘ right’ and maybe I jus need to find my fi and listen to her xxxx thanks for this xxxxx

  2. I hear you. You hit the nail on the head. It’s the most important thing to do – to be still and silent and allow your true self speak and be heard. So many people struggle with their lives and live it trying to fit into a specific ‘box’, be perfect and conform to a perceived social acceptance that has been forced upon us. It’s so easy to loose yourself and the sad thing is people don’t realise they are lost until there is a crisis – a mental and/or physical illness. I did this too until I was 40 and then I just crashed and burned in a big way. Only by listening and acknowledging my inner voice did I start to change my thinking and realise I was denying myself true happiness, (even though I’d so far spent my adult life building a life with everything that I thought I would bring me happiness, but there was still an innate sadness within me) Five years later and my life has changed so positively in ways I could not have even contemplated. I’m greatful for my breakdown because when I listened properly to my sorrow, I knew what I had to do and I was able to put all my broken pieces back in the right places. I still get down and sad, but I know that feeling the sadness is part of my healing and it will pass – it always does. It’s empowering and just adds to my strength.
    To be vulnerable and have the courage to show people your true self is the most empowering and healing thing you can do for yourself. As you said, you wake up, your brain kicks into gear and life opens up in ways you never thought possible before. Society teaches us to be fearful and do the opposite so it’s no wonder there are so many people suffering. Thank you for your blog. I’m very happy to know that you are feeling so much better and wish you a happy and peaceful Christmas and continued success and health for 2017 and beyond.

  3. Well done on this huge development and achievement. Have a great quite time if possible over holidays. I so agree with you perfect explantation

  4. Yes! I find the “slow down and listen to my intuition” technique really helpful when I feel buzzy with anxiety or sluggish with depression. I went through DBT therapy, and they refer to it as “wise mind”.

  5. After many years of battling with depression I also think that for many the root cause is losing contact with one’s true self – because we didn’t learn or stopped listening to our true self. Because it maybe doesn’t really fit into this world.

    So I would agree 100 %! 🙂

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