I’m missing Therapist a lot the last few days, which is probably not all that surprising given how up and down I’ve been, and I’m finding it really hard to handle. I think since we finished, I had been comforting myself with the notion that now that she’s no longer my therapist the way was open for us to be friends. Of course, what I hadn’t factored into that particular little daydream was a) how exactly our paths were going to cross in the first place and b) the ethical minefield that would have to be negotiated should it ever happen that we meet.
It’s slowly, slowly dawning on me that she is gone from my life. Just gone. Actually, no, it’s not slowly dawning on me, I’ve been resisting even having that thought because as soon as I typed it I felt sick. There’s no going back. I know this. But also, there’s no going forward with her either which is the part I haven’t been letting myself think about, and that hurts. Have I been in denial this whole time? Had I put her and the memory of her in a little box, and now that I’m not feeling great, the lid is coming off?
I’m really not happy about this state of affairs. I desperately want to contact her, but I know I won’t because no good could possible come of it. Either she won’t reply and I’ll feel like an utter idiot, or she will reply, to remind me that I’m not allowed to contact her any more, so not only will I feel like an utter idiot, I’ll feel rejected to boot, and we all know how I tend to react to that. I’m not sure what to do with all of this. I know I’ve been doing well despite the spectacular challenges that have been thrown my way, I know I can manage without her, but it feels a little harder the last few days. Is that normal? Is it all part of the process?
I’m anxious. I’m on edge. I have that nasty little sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that lets me know things aren’t quite as well as they could be. I know it will pass. But my god what I wouldn’t give for an hour of her time right now, just to tell her all this. And mostly, to tell her I miss her, so, so much.