I told my psychiatrist that things still aren’t great, and as expected, there wasn’t a whole lot she could say. I’m actually not sure how she reacted at all because I was barely able to look at her the entire time I was there. I tried to explain how I’m feeling – that I’m going round in circles, how it’s guilt that’s motivating me into anything and everything I do, of just how intense the feeling is sometimes that my family would be better off without me. I’m assuming she understood, but I don’t really know. The end result was that I’m still on the waiting list for dbt, and another slight increase in drugs which I’ve yet to follow up on.
There’s a really interesting pattern that always follows these appointments – I tend to come away feeling incredibly shaken and overwhelmed. I’ll get home, have a good cry, call Hubby to give him the synopsis and then try and get myself back on track again. This will generally be followed by anger and frustration at having to continue to manage on my own, which then morphs into believing once more that I’m not trying hard enough or else making it all up, but either way I need to get my act together.
Last Thursday was no different. I felt so lost, and so alone after that appointment. Dbt is being dangled in front of me as the great cure all, but until then? Well until then just manage. I’m still afraid to believe that it will actually come through, because if I put my faith in this and it doesn’t………..I don’t want to imagine how that will make me feel.
Once I got over feeling lost on Thursday, the anger came. It’s rarely anger at the system, but at myself. I went through my standard knee jerk self sabotage responses remarkably quickly – there’s nothing wrong with me at all, I need to just get my shit together and get back to work, I need to shut down the blog, stop taking the drugs etc etc etc. Thankfully a friend called down and sat with me when I went through this. I would imagine I came across as more than a tad unhinged. This sequence of thoughts is generally accompanied by very fast talking, lack of eye contact and physical shaking. She humoured me, let me rant, then hugged me and told me I’m not on my own, which brought me back out the other side to tears again.
Friday was worse. Friday, I spent most of the day horribly detached and circling constantly around the thought of being dead. But then at some point Friday evening, the switch flicked again and my mood swung back up in the other direction. While a lot more pleasant, it is exhausting trying to keep up with this.
It’s five months since I finished with Therapist. Five months which have seen depression rear its head again, and the start of my third extended period of sick leave in as many years. While I’m doing the best I can, it’s clearly not enough. I don’t have stability. I have moments – hours sometimes, days at most, where I’m ok and functioning, but these are always, always followed by an extremely low few hours/days. In between there can be irritation, frustration, anger, and occasionally elation. I think it’s the speed at which these changes come around that I’m finding hardest to deal with – it’s like the ground is constantly shifting under me and I’ve no clue which way it will go next or what will trigger it. When I’m bad, I can’t imagine ever being good again. When I’m good, I can’t imagine ever being bad again. I’ve lost track of the number of times over the years that I’ve thought, ‘that’s it! I’m back, I’m better.’ I think it’s the unpredictability of these changes that have the most impact on those around me as well, and that I’m most conscious of.
Today, I can’t pick a word to describe my mood, the closest I can get is ‘meh’. I’ve kept myself busy since first thing – a long walk with the dogs after dropping the kids off, home to some housework, and then writing. All of it has taken huge, huge effort. I want to berate myself over that. But I’m not going to. I’m going to try and focus on the fact that I’ve actually achieved something today, even if it was just straightening the house out a bit. This isn’t my fault. I have to keep remembering that.