I was back with the psychiatrist today for a follow up, and given all the chaos and stress of the last few weeks it was timely. She confirmed what I suspected, I’m definitely showing signs of depression again, although it’s likely in response to what’s been going on. That said, the solution isn’t one I’m too happy about – an increase in medication. I thought about objecting, I still (as you’ve probably already noticed) strongly resist having to take it. But if I take a step back and think rationally about it, it’s the only available solution right now. I’m trying, and I have been trying for weeks to resolve this. I’m walking. I’m still talking to Therapist. I’m taking my medication. But it’s not enough, because other things are slipping out of my control and I can’t stop them. As always, the people to feel it most, besides me, are my family, Hubby in particular. I’m not myself. I’m a snappy, withdrawn, demotivated, version of myself, virtually unable to see the positive in anything. My memory is truly shocking, I can’t retain anything, and I find it almost impossible to concentrate on all but the simplest of tasks. Not easy in a new job! Therapist reckons it’s my brain in protective mode – I’m doing what I need to do to get by, but anything else is too much.
I can’t stay like this, or worse, risk things getting any more out of hand. I’ve literally just got back on my feet and the last thing I want or need is to have to come out of work again. So, once more I find myself needing to work on acceptance – acceptance of where I’m at, and acceptance of the fact that I need a chemical lift, however much I don’t want it.
So right now, I’m going to try and think positively. I want to get off medication, but the only way that will happen is by getting well, staying well, demonstrating stability. And for the moment at least, I need the medication to get me to a place where I can do the things I need to do to stay well – eat properly, sleep, practice yoga, meditate, enjoy my family, work – in short, live my life. I also need it so I can be the person my family deserves me to be. We’re planning a staycation for the end of July, and I want to be well enough to enjoy that, rain, hail or shine. For now, that means medication. So be it. Look at me accepting my situation!!! Long may it last 🙂