I was back with the psychiatrist today for a follow up, and given all the chaos and stress of the last few weeks it was timely. She confirmed what I suspected, I’m definitely showing signs of depression again, although it’s likely in response to what’s been going on. That said, the solution isn’t one I’m too happy about – an increase in medication. I thought about objecting, I still (as you’ve probably already noticed) strongly resist having to take it. But if I take a step back and think rationally about it, it’s the only available solution right now. I’m trying, and I have been trying for weeks to resolve this. I’m walking. I’m still talking to Therapist. I’m taking my medication. But it’s not enough, because other things are slipping out of my control and I can’t stop them. As always, the people to feel it most, besides me, are my family, Hubby in particular. I’m not myself. I’m a snappy, withdrawn, demotivated, version of myself, virtually unable to see the positive in anything. My memory is truly shocking, I can’t retain anything, and I find it almost impossible to concentrate on all but the simplest of tasks. Not easy in a new job! Therapist reckons it’s my brain in protective mode – I’m doing what I need to do to get by, but anything else is too much.
I can’t stay like this, or worse, risk things getting any more out of hand. I’ve literally just got back on my feet and the last thing I want or need is to have to come out of work again. So, once more I find myself needing to work on acceptance – acceptance of where I’m at, and acceptance of the fact that I need a chemical lift, however much I don’t want it.
So right now, I’m going to try and think positively. I want to get off medication, but the only way that will happen is by getting well, staying well, demonstrating stability. And for the moment at least, I need the medication to get me to a place where I can do the things I need to do to stay well – eat properly, sleep, practice yoga, meditate, enjoy my family, work – in short, live my life. I also need it so I can be the person my family deserves me to be. We’re planning a staycation for the end of July, and I want to be well enough to enjoy that, rain, hail or shine. For now, that means medication. So be it. Look at me accepting my situation!!! Long may it last 🙂

This article has 6 Comments

  1. I too battle with depression and can relate to your feeling ,i recently had to increase my meds as i just could not function on a daily basis ,my sleep was so bad i became insomniac to add to everything else ,,,,,, at the moment i am only rising from a bad few weeks . Please remember to take your meds , i know it is frustrating but you need to get yourself well xx sending you positive hugs xxxxxx

    1. Thanks, and you're so right. Am actually feeling much better today, I think I've managed to get my head around the fact that I need the meds before the rest can happen. Having accepted that is progress in itself.
      Hope you continue to improve, mind yourself.

  2. There are times when we have 'to accept what has to be accepted' and this sounds like one of them. Keep your energy for getting better and living in the moment! jxx

  3. don't despair at the confirmation that you show signs of depression! – i know thats hard, but it is a actually a good sign, and can be a way to more permanent recovery: The fact that you felt something was wrong and acted on it. I am rooting fore you! – hopefully, fore eache time you start getting the signs of depression you will detect them earlier and earlier, and at some point you won't need an increase in medication ore medication at all, but just talks with your psychiatrist and eventually youre friends and family. It might be hard to see right now, but you detecting signs of depression is good, and, the increase in meds might be necessary fore you to have the mental resources you need to learn how to detect it earlier the next time. – dose this make sense? – this is at least my experience, it takes time, but you will get there.

    1. Thanks Karen, that makes perfect sense and I'm finally starting to get my head round it. I know I can't do the things I need to do, for now at least, without medication, so I'll go with it, and like you say, eventually I won't need them at all. I hope!!

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