Finally time to sit down, catch my breath and fill you in on what happened today. If you’ve been on facebook, you’ll know that overall it went well and I’m feeling positive about it. Here’s the slightly longer version.

I was incredibly nervous, far more than I thought I’d be, probably off the back of so many difficult encounters the last few months. I told her that straight off when I went in, and also told her that I had a lot I wanted to say, that I had written it down and I wanted to read it to her. Out came the notes and…….couldn’t do it. Couldn’t read it. But, having taken the time last night to sit down and go over everything that I wanted to say, it was all pretty fresh in my mind so I managed to express more or less everything that I wanted to, including how frustrated I was by my (lack of) treatment while she was off. And she listened. She listened to everything, and acknowledged my frustration. She even listened when I temporarily lost it because there was a nurse in the room as well and it was making me really, really self conscious and uncomfortable having two people there. But, they explained the reason why, I calmed down, he stayed, and we got on with it.

So, I have a new treatment plan. We’ll be trying new meds (well actually one I took a long time ago but this time in combination with another), and a new way of timing the dosage to try and help keep me on a more even keel. I’m on the list to see their psychologist who apparently works in a very specific way with cases like me. I’ve no idea when that will happen, they said soon and that I’m on her priority list but Galway is a big county and I doubt I’m the only one on that list so I can’t imagine it’ll happen all that soon. I asked if she wanted me to stop working with Therapist, she said ultimately that would be up to the psychologist but she thought not because she’s been such an important support to me up to now. Who knows, maybe the psychologist will even talk to her which would be spectacular.

I may be gaining an additional/alternative label. I know people talk a lot about labels being for jars and such, but to be honest, I take comfort in knowing what I’m up against. I’d rather know whether I had a broken wrist or a sprain because they’re two very different things and require different treatment. For me, this is much the same. If I know for sure what’s going on, then it’ll be easier to find ways to manage it. It doesn’t define me, but it’s part of me and it has a significant affect on me, so I want to know what it is. I don’t think it’ll be clear until after I’ve seen the psychologist, but even now things are starting to make a lot more sense.

As for the private route? I’m going to put that back on the maybe pile. I’ve spoken to Therapist, she agrees with everything that was said today, and thinks that another opinion now would do one of two things – confuse me if it was different, or gain me nothing if it was the same. So, as the hospital finally seem to be willing to offer me more consistent support, that’s what I’ll go with. Caveat – if I’m waiting another 3 months to be seen again and the new meds don’t seem to be helping, we’ll be revising the private route.

So there you have it! Overall, I’m feeling a lot more positive than I have done in months. I think it’s the fact that I finally feel I’ve been heard, and understood, and there’s the prospect of change. She didn’t tell me there was nothing more that could be done for me, far from it. She’s going to considerable effort to show me that there are options. The difference that makes is immeasurable. I’m starting to see a future again, and that feels wonderful.

Found this on my walk this evening. Seems appropriate 

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