I haven’t mentioned Bitchface in a while. This is the first time she appeared, but if you’ve only been reading for a while, the short version is that Bitchface is the name I came up with for the nasty little voice I have in my head that criticises every single thing that I do, the one most of us have.
Apart from trying to come to an understanding of how our brains actually work and the impact our thoughts can have on us physically, this is one of the biggest things I’ve been working on with Therapist 2.0. My homework for this week, or part of it, is to think about the pros and cons of Bitchface – the ways in which she has actually served a purpose over the years, and the ways in which she’s held me back.
Given my new found love of lists, I’ll try and work it out that way, so………pros:
- keeps me going
And the cons?
- the motivation is entirely negative and often manifests as sudden and intense anger (emotional instability)
- I talk to myself in ways I would never even contemplate talking to anyone else (poor sense of self)
- she* encourages me to hurt myself, to self medicate (impulsive, destructive behaviour)
- she keeps me trapped in destructive cycles (self sabotage)
- she tells me I will never get better, I will always have borderline (black and white thinking)
- she persuades me that my marriage/friendships are doomed, that I’m not worthy of them (poor interpersonal relationships)
- she tells me I’m not good enough, at anything (poor sense of self)
- she keeps me trapped by indecision, because no matter which direction I go, it will ultimately be wrong (poor sense of self) which leads to chronic anxiety (emotional instability), which in turn can lead to faulty coping mechanisms (self sabotage/self harm)
That’s as far as I’m getting with it right now, but I suspect this is something I’ll have to come back to. In short, I guess Bitchface is both the reason I’m still alive, but also the reason things have been so very difficult. She is my bpd.
*I’m not actually hearing voices, rather this is how I talk to myself. Important distinction!!