It finally happened. I got to the end of the break with Therapist, and yes, before I go any further, I kept the appointment. But my god was that hard to do. I found the break so incredibly challenging, but the longer it went on, the better I was able to put her into a box, and get some level of relief from the almost constant desperate need to speak to her. I had almost managed to convince myself that if I decided not to go today, there would be no repercussions. Ha! Wishful thinking in the extreme. I know exactly what would have happened – I’d have either texted to cancel (and been disappointed when she didn’t try to persuade me otherwise) or else decided to just not show up and wait for her to contact me to find out where I was. Neither would have been a clever move, and both would have ended with me kicking myself for not going.

But as it happened, Hubby very effectively ruled out both of those options. Back when things were really bad, I’ve been known to make irrational, short sighted decisions that couldn’t possibly end well – I repeatedly decided to stop meds cold turkey, and also repeatedly decided therapy was a waste of my time. It always ended in a crisis. Cold turkey is hellish, and not seeing Therapist invariably ended in a tailspin of epic proportions. So, after my stint in hospital last year, a few decisions were made. The biggest one? If I’m about to make a completely ridiculous decision in relation to my mental health, I’ve agreed that he can overrule it.

I don’t like this, not one little bit. But the problem is, every single time I made one of those rash decisions in the past, it didn’t affect just me. It impacted on him, on the kids, on work, on my mental well being – in short, everything, and if it’s within my power, I can’t let that happen again. So when I tentatively suggested that I might not attend today’s session, he let me know that wasn’t an option, and of course, he was right.

So, I went. And, just as I (and Therapist) had anticipated, it was excruciating. I don’t think I looked at her for more than five minutes in total out of the entire session. I felt so intensely ashamed – of the repeated facebook fails, of freaking out over a mutual acquaintance, of needing her so much – that I literally could barely speak to her. It was all but impossible to articulate all of the above, never mind going into the sense of abandonment and rejection that inevitably accompanies a break. Bpd is such an unbelievable bitch!!! In the end, she had to make a guess as to what was going on, with a caveat – if she guessed wrong, but it was something I felt more comfortable talking about and would therefore ignore all of the above, I had to be honest and tell her she was wrong. Needless to say, she hit the nail on the head first time. I hate being so predictable. She goes to great lengths to try to help me understand that it’s not me, it’s what I’ve got. And I do understand it, on one level. I just cannot feel it. She keeps telling me understanding comes first, feelings are slower. I wish to christ they would hurry up because I could literally barely breathe today I felt to uncomfortable. I want to believe that she doesn’t judge me. I know she doesn’t. I just don’t know it.

Anyway, that was that. We touched again on the fact that the work we’re doing now is about process, rather than issues, ie, how I perceive the world, how I respond to it, how I read people, how I react in myself. Apparently the better I get, the more challenging this work will be, because I’m ready to look at it now. I guess we’re getting to the crux of what my bpd is all about. Progress I think, but a slightly scary prospect.

This article has 3 Comments

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your posts – for your openness (is that a word?), your honesty and your wit. I can so relate to everything you write. It feels like I am reading about myself.

    What I also want to say in response to the ending of this post is: hang in there. I know from experience that it indeed ís a process, a horrible, excruciating one, but one that wíll lead to change. You need to be willing and motivated to face everything that holed itself up inside you and just keep on crawling through all its dirt, which is so very hard. The mind is such a clever trickster. Thinking it through just isn't gonna cut it. You have feel it, experience it and go through lots and lots of trail-and-error situations first. It is a matter of learning and understanding through experience in order to cultivate an intelligence that is also physical, emotional and energetical (yup, this is yoga speaking 😉 ) BPD will always be the ultimate bitch, but experiencing all this and facing it with help from supportive and professional people (your hubby sounds like a smart man and your therapist sounds incredibly professional and kind) will slowly and steadily teach you what you need to know to rule this thing called BPD instead of being ruled by it. And that cán be done. I send you love and support all the way from The Netherlands.

    xoxo Lotte

    PS: And you will definitely have heard about STEPPS therapy. I took this BPD training, besides seeing my therapist for individual sessions. At the same time some of my friends and family members took the parallel training (In Dutch it's called something like Borderline Support Group) designed for loved ones of people with BPD. This has been a very important part of my healing process and a massive help to me in tackling my intense emotions and behaviours. I'd highly recommend it to anyone struggling with BPD. ♡

    1. Thanks so much Lotte, and I'm really sorry for the slow reply. lost the run of myself a bit the last few months. I've never heard of STEPPS therapy!! I'll have to go look it up. It's certainly never been mentioned by anyone here, so maybe it's not something we have here?
      You're absolutely right of course that i have to let myself feel all this horrible stuff, but I really, really don't want to. So much so that a few weeks ago now I decided to shut down my blog, cut off therapy and pretend bpd didn't exist. I'm not sure if you're still reading the blog, but if you're not, I'll give you the potted version – it didn't go well! I'm now waiting to get back to therapy and have managed to think myself into a state of depression the likes of which I haven't experienced for quite a while. Not my smartest move. I guess I don't have it under control yet! But, I can see that now, so that's something. Thanks for the support x

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