I’m at an age where pregnancies, new babies and the ups and downs of early parenthood are all around me. I’ve written before about some of my experience with post natal depression (PND), how it manifested, how long it took us to recognise what was really going on. Today I want to talk about how it makes me feel now.
I’m angry, so, so angry. And I’m sad. I feel like I’ve been cheated, hard done by, deprived of what should have been a wonderful time in my life. I’m so full of regret. The emotions vary depending on my mood, but today I’m tired and so I’ve a heady combination of anger and sadness. I don’t want to carry that around with me any more. I know it’s going to take time to accept that those early years weren’t what I had hoped, I know it will take a lot of talking. This is the start.
I spent a few days with my folks this week, and hanging on the wall in my room are 3 photos taken days after D was born – myself , Hubby and D together, a close up of his tiny hand, and a close up of his face, asleep. He was an absolutely beautiful baby, he looked like a doll. But when I look at those photos I don’t see the excitement of a new life. I see terror. I feel terror. Even now. The depth of what I felt then, the sheer overwhelming sense of powerlessness, is still very much with me. Understandably I don’t like to think about it, it’s not a good way to feel. But in my last post I talked about pushing bad feelings aside, and the belief in some circles that this doesn’t help, that in fact it makes those feelings more powerful. So maybe it’s time that I addressed them. Maybe it’s time that I stop running from all the hurt and sadness that I hold from that time, acknowledge it, and let it go.
But how do I do that? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess at least being aware of the emotion thinking of that time brings up in me is a start. Myself and Hubby spoke about it last night, about how hard it was. It was beyond hard. Right now, writing this, I feel very emotional. I wish with all my heart there was a way I could go back to those first few days and just hold d, hold him and feel the pure love I feel for him now, untainted by fear and depression. There’s no doubt I loved him then, that was never in question. But there was always so much else going on.
It is so unbelievably tough to think about this. I’ll come back to it, I have to, but that’s as much as I’m prepared to think about today.
But to end on a positive note – it’s in the past. It’s gone and I can’t change it but I’m so much stronger now. I have a great relationship with my kids. I will accept it some day. Not today, but some day.